OUR stories of Glasgow's dance halls remind a reader of the classic tale of the chap trying to smuggle a half bottle under his jacket into the dancing, but just as he approached the door, the bottle slipped and smashed on the pavement. With the doorman moving menacingly towards him, the chap looks up at the windows above the door and shouts: "Hey you! That could've killed somebody."

STILL can't get over the result in the rugby. However we commend the police at Falkirk who tired to lighten the moment by commenting on social media: "We can confirm we are investigating a robbery at

Twickenham earlier! Unlucky Scotland."

TALKING of south of the border, Margaret Thomson tells us: "Many years ago, living in south England, I went to my local ironmonger, and asked for 'something for fixing up tiles'. The ironmonger looked puzzled, then said, 'No, nothing like that, duck.' I was leaving the shop when he called after me, 'Was it for cats' tiles or dogs' tiles? I replied that it was ceramic tiles. 'Ow,' he said, 'you mean toils!', and sold me what I was looking for.

WE careered into dodgy car names, and Jim Scott in Singapore swears to us: "When Renault, who were winning all the rally events at the time, brought out the Turbo Rally Sport version of the Clio, it was quickly claimed that the ClioTRS was only bought by women as men could never find it."

And Reevel Alderson at BBC Scotland recalls: "The Chrysler company could not understand why its Nova car failed to sell well in Spain. Until it was explained that 'no va' means, in Spanish, 'doesn’t go'. "

THE death of veteran Tory Minister Geoffrey Howe reminds former Ayrshire Labour MP Brian Donohoe: "I will always remember the time he came campaigning in Irvine. He introduced himself to an Irvine worthy

as, 'Hello I'm Geoffrey Howe'. The Irvine worthy replied, 'Who?' and Geoffrey slickly replied, 'No, Howe'."

A READER was impressed by an elderly lady taken out shopping by presumably her daughter in Marks and Spencer who was staring at the pack of sensible pants her daughter was holding up. "Have you anything fancier?" she exclaimed. "I'm 87, no 97."

WAITING in the local accident and emergency department, a Borders reader watches a couple come in with the husband nursing a hand injury. He feels the chap must have done something stupid as when the chap's wife was giving details to the receptionist about what happened, she added: "And put on the form, 'Do Not Resuscitate'."

"DO you remember," said the woman in the Glasgow bar to her pals at the weekend,"that my New Year Resolution was to lose 10 pounds this year?" She then clinked her wine glass with her pal's and added: "Only 15 more to go."

HOW technology is changing our lives. A Lenzie reader whose parents were visiting her new home at the weekend had to ask her mum: "Why's Dad looking so pleased with himself?"

"Oh don't ask," replied her mother. "He's actually dead chuffed he got here five minutes quicker than the sat-nav said it would take him."