Russell Leadbetter

ANDY Cumming says a friend went clothes-shopping for a city-break holiday in Rome. He bought a smart black shirt and when unpacking it realised that the white cardboard collar could, when fitted around his neck, give him a priestly look. "He said it would be ideal for skipping the queue at the Sistine Chapel," says Andy.

EXPRESSIONS that make your heart sink, more of.

* "Baroness Mone" (John Dunlop)

* "I'll be with you in a minute, hang on," and "I'll pass you to my colleague" (Jim Torbett)

* "It's my fault, not yours" (Phyllis Stokes)

* "The cheque's in the post" closely followed by "your call is important to us" (Dave Biggart).

ON the same theme, Ella Smith recalls a handful of expressions once used by her weans.

* "Mum, I've been sick" (adds Ella: "Only when I became a mum myself did I understand why my mother's first question was always "Where?")

* "Oh, I forgot to tell you that I need x for school today" ("usually uttered about 8.25 a.m")

* And the worst thing to hear at work? "The school nurse/secretary is on the phone."

WE hear of BBC news presenter Bill Whiteford’s somewhat enigmatic out-of-office email message. It’s Polish and translates as "Not my circus, not my monkeys." In other words, "whatever issue has arisen is really not my problem." The Diary is already thinking of adopting this as its own out-of-office message.

A MOTORING story describes the Subaru Levorg as being sure "to put a smile on dealers’ faces ……from a company that has built a reputation among its customers for delivering a good driving experience.” That seems unlikely, he points out, with a car whose name is Grovel spelt backwards.

"Now we learn about the new Renault Cadger - sorry, Kadjar. Do car companies ever think about how the names might sound in different countries? On the other hand, perhaps Grovel would be a good name for a new VW."

DEEDEE Cuddihy's latest book, Love You Nicola! (£4.99) collects pro-Sturgeon sentiments from social media. 'A actual love Nicola Sturgeon more than a love chicken pakora nd irn bru," reads one particularly enthusiastic comment. Another bears the name of someone called Kezia - not, we suspect, the Scottish Labour leader.

THROUGH in the capital, meanwhile, the future use of Edinburgh’s Royal High School - and in particular the controversial proposal to turn it into a hotel - has aroused much comment. Says our old friend Anon:.“The Edinburgh cognoscenti have found another reason to bicker. Could their latest problem not be solved by moving the Parliament up to the former Royal High School building as first proposed, and making the close- to-well-located-tourist-attractions Holyrood Parliament building into a hotel? Just a thought.”

AND finally - an intriguing item spotted on the menu in an African restaurant in Glasgow: "Isi ewu (goat/lamb head): Slowly boiled Goat head with a blend of African herbs and spices." Almost enough to turn you vegetarian.