Dark days lie ahead for tourism in Dundee and Hong Kong Kong. It will be marvellous!
You see, Dundee and Hong Kong were both recently proclaimed unhappy cities: Dundee in an Office of National Statistics’ index; Hong Kong in happiness survey of Asian hubs, where it came last.
One immediately ponders on the reasons for gloom in such disparate conurbations, and whether or not the causes are the same in each place. So let’s consider.
Is it food causing despondency? Dundee is associated with Desperate Dan’s cow pie. Hong Kong is famed for dim sum, which definitely includes ingredients sourced from the bovine anatomy. Might cow chow be bad for the soul?
Or Empire? Hong Kong, it was said by a former Beijing official, has not de-colonized enough. Dundee also has empire legacy issues, chiefly that Maw Broon is on packs of mini Empire biscuits at Sainsbury’s. That this woman – whose apron strings, in length, emphasise a lack of interest in portion control – has mini baked goods in her name implies one of Dundee’s cultural exports has been cruelly misunderstood by the food industry. That’s enough to make any city fall on its rolling pin.
We can discount urban infrastructure. Sure, both places have really big bridges: in Hong Kong, from Kowloon to Lantau island; in Dundee, over the Tay. Each is useful as a structure to gaze from moodily but only bridge, the game, can depress because of the tendency of its exponents to talk at length upon it.
Lastly, unemployment. There are signs on doorways in Hong Kong warning "no sitting or squatting", suggesting some would pass the day in a way similar to Oor Wullie, who of course has Dundee as his origin. Not having honest work will make anyone, anywhere feel down.
But I am not getting into whether or not these cities deserve their melancholic medals. I am thinking how they can make light of all this, and some money too.
Banksy’s unamusement park, Dismaland, just brought in millions for Weston-super-Mare in Somerset. 150,000 people visited the subversive spectacle.
Couldn’t Dundee and Hong Kong rethink part of their tourism strategy to parody a pleasure break? Holidays in Unhappiness. We’ve heard of the Pink Pound, this would be the Blue Pound.
In Hong Kong, there already is a Ferris wheel beside Victoria Harbour. Rename it The Cultural Revolution. Dark times. Or a sinister new visitor attraction – a "Goodbye Kitty" theme park, to mock the universality in China of that damn cartoon cat? Signature ride: a rollercoaster with feline ejector seats.
In Scotland, there’s no reason not to apply to Banksy for an ironic franchise (it’ll be free, the whole thing is supposed to undermine capitalism) and do Dismaland Dundee. Stalls could sell a satirical version of the trademark treat: add a lot of licorice to Seville oranges, and you’ll get black marmalade. How about helter skelter slides made of jute, to rub you up the wrong way? Accompanying Dismal-apps could include Bash Street Kids’ Tinder. Hook up with Plug at the theme park.
The civic mood might be black, but why shouldn’t the bank balance be too? And, anyway, a city that can have a sense of humour about being unhappy is contradicting the basic premise.
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