WE mentioned politicians using false names, which reminds Calum Carmichael at Cornell University: "The late Neil MacCormick used to tell the story of how Labour leader John Smith, when a Glasgow University student, and slightly tipsy after a University Union debate, found a broom in Park Circus and began to sweep the street. A policeman approached and asked his name. 'John Smith,' the delinquent replied. The policeman said, 'I am Police Constable William Shakespeare. Shall we begin again?'"

AND entertainer Andy Cameron just had to tell us: "The stooshie about Alex Salmond's identity crisis reminds me of when he went out without his wallet and had to get cash to go to the bookies. The bank teller tells him if he can prove he's Alex Salmond she'll give him the cash, and she said they had the same problem with Tiger Woods who put a cup in the corner and putted right into it to prove who he was.

"'Well" says the bold Eck,'I don't know what to do. I haven't got a clue'. 'Large notes or small ones sir?' replied the teller."

WE are unable to extract ourself from stories about the Tooth Fairy, with Ian Glasgow telling us: "When my son lost his first tooth in the playground at Braidbar Primary School I told him he should draw a picture of a tooth and place that under his pillow which he duly did. He awoke in the morning to find the Tooth Fairy had replaced it with a drawing of a pound.

"Needless to say this was reimbursed by yours truly. "

PAUL Kerr confirms our view on how middle-class the supermarket Waitrose is by sending us an extract from its latest magazine telling people what to do with plastic bags rather than dumping them after use. "Fill plastic bags with soil and hang them in the garden to grow potatoes," seems very middle-class". But we are truly puzzled by the suggestion: "Knit or crochet with strips of plastic bags to make a rug or beach bag or even a grocery bag." So tear a grocery bag into strips then knit it into a grocery bag. Eh?

EVER wondered what happened to that fellow Shields who used to write at the Diary? No? We’ll tell you anyway. Tom is pursuing a second career as a sommelier, tapas cook, and occasional dishwasher at Wintersgills, a grand old pub on Great Western Road. This Friday evening for example wines from the Pays d’Oc will be put to the test with Spanish stovies and Iberico ham.

Anyway Sommelier Shields does not ignore Glasgow’s tradition of consuming wines which come under the general heading of Vino Collapso. Eldorado, once the queen of fortified beverages, has been rebranded with added caffeine and sugar. The tasting panel felt the new LD is smoother than Buckfast but not a patch on the previous Old Tawny dark and Rich White clear varieties.

Sadly, no longer available for tasting is Lanliq, a robust red mammy mine which Shields was wont to decant and serve as port at the dinner table.

THE just-published book Would I Lie to You? based on the BBC TV show includes examples of a new type of lie, used by people texting on their phones, who simply don’t want to continue the conversation. They include: *My battery’s low

*Got to go, someone at the door

*I’m going into a tunnel

*I didn’t get your text. Oh it just came through. Weird.

Any others come to mind?