DEREK Service bumps into a pal heading towards the Dental Hospital, and he asks what the problem is. "I've got teeth," he replied, "like the Ten Commandments."

When Derek looked puzzled, he added: "All broken."

BIT of a shock England already out of the Rugby World Cup. After they were beaten by Australia, Scottish Parliament Minister Roseanna Cunningham commented on social media: "Bloody brilliant mate!" A Labour Party supporter immediately hit back at this lack of support for a fellow Home Nation by telling Roseanna: "Grow up."

Replied Roseanna quite truthfully: "I did. In Australia as a matter of fact."

Straight into touch as they say.

ONE Diary reader does however try to be helpful towards England fans. He emails us: "On the plus side for England fans, anyone who bought the new shirt just before the tournament started, your 14-day refund is still valid."

ANDREW MacGregor on Colonsay sees The Herald headline "Sky At Night's trademark monocle to go under the hammer" and he thinks to himself: "Not going to be worth much after that, is it?"

THE death of former Labour Chancellor Denis Healey reminds us of his sense of humour when he was once interviewed by The Herald. After the interview he was photographed by a Herald snapper, and they got chatting about Denis's love of photography. "A good photograph can sometimes be down to luck," Denis told him, then added: "If only you hadn't put your camera down you could have got me doing this" and promptly wiggled his fingers in both ears and stuck his tongue out.

THE Great Scottish Run took to the streets of Glasgow yesterday with a half marathon and a 10k race attracting thousands. Scott Agnew tells us he heard one spectator tell the child with her: "There's yer da. Give him a clap - for wance he's shifted the length o' hisell."

OUR story about Scots being more likely to give overnight guests a big breakfast, according to a bed manufacturer's survey, reminds William Lather: "I worked away from home a few years ago, and booked into an Inverness B&B where I was up bright and early ready to make an impression with my new workplace. I sat down to breakfast and was served an amazing seven-course brekkie.

"After working my way through this feast I thought I needed a wee lie down, so back up to my room I went, fell asleep and missed my start time. No more big breakfasts for me. I think that's why bed manufacturers like to do surveys about breakfast."

LATE holidays continued. Says Ronald Arthur: "I saw a T-shirt in Dubrovnik which stated, 'I don't need Google. My wife knows everything'.

"Being a big feartie, I did not make the purchase."