A taxing question of animal rights

But why Cruella? Well, firstly, Princess Mike is a royal, and royals believe animals were put here to be killed for our amusement. More specifically, she reportedly ululated this week that animals cannot have rights “because they don’t pay taxes”. Not sure where that leaves the Queen and Amazon, but let’s not stir controversy here.

The following detailed quote is what Princess M. allegedly said: “I’m a great animal lover and I’m involved in a lot of conversation, but animals don’t have rights. They don’t have bank accounts. They don’t vote.”

I see. I have a few problems with this. Lots of people don’t vote because, under the universal dictatorship of the market, it changes very little. As for the relationship between a bank account and democracy, that’s a new one on me. All together now: liberty, equality, current account!

The Princess, who has a penchant for wearing fur coats, supposedly added of our four-legged inferiors: “They don’t have rights. You only have rights if you pay your taxes. You earn your rights.” Oh, right.

Needless to say, animal rights campaigners went doolally, accusing her of “ignorance” and pointing out that, by her logic, children shouldn’t have rights. Comedian and animal lover Ricky Gervais branded the princess a “waste of space” which, taking a more objective view, I would agree is broadly correct.

It’s also difficult to know how the animals are supposed to pay tax and how much. Are they technically self-employed? Is it worth paying national insurance for a pension when you’re going to be slaughtered in a fortnight?

To be fair, I’ve always felt dubious about animal rights. I’m not even sure about human rights. Seems a bit pushy to me. And, as usual with you Earthlings, the whole concept has been twisted anyway, with murderers, hoodlums and dictators all asserting their rights at times.

I will say also that, while I’m vegetarian, I do not worship animals. They are Thatcherite opportunists in the main. Dog-eat-dog, if you know what I mean. Except for the domestic cat, which I believe DNA testing would prove to be the spawn of Satan.

However, as we’ve already seen, in similar vein to the “I’m a proud Scot but … ” trope so beloved of Unionists, Princess Pushy has also declared herself “a great animal lover” but only up to a point.

The animals she loves best are horses and dogs, creatures that can be deployed to blooter other animals. This is de rigueur for the wax-jacketed royal family, an institution which is central to British identity, as exemplified by the Princess.

Born near Carlsbad in Bohemia, Czech Republic, she’s the daughter of the late Baron Gunther von Reibnitz, who once had a trial for Morton, and the late Countess Szapary. Her maternal grandmother was Princess Hedwig zu Windisch-Graetz (no relation to the Cleethorpes zu Windisch-Graetzes).

It’s probably her being so conspicuously foreign that lies beneath the mid-market rags’ dislike of her. But that is unfair. Anyone should be able to come to this country and apply to join the royal family.

Like most bad people you read about, the Princess is involved in charity work and, rather uncharitably, has written a novel called “I Spit on Everyone”. Only joking. That’s her autobiography.

No, this effort – which had little trouble finding a publisher – is called Agnès Sorel: Mistress of Beauty. Regrettably, due to the TV schedules, I will not find time to read this but must say it doesn’t sound like my cup of meths. Generally speaking, I don’t like any book whose title has a wee thing above the “e”.

Astoundingly, her previous historical works have been bestsellers, read mostly by people who, in my view, should be closely monitored by the police.

But, alas, this is a free country where people can say what they like. Up to a point. Princess Michael is as much entitled to her point of view as the next von Riebnitz. But she must expect others in turn to hoot, moo and oink with derision.