"ENJOYING the Indian Summer?" said the pensioner wearing a T-shirt getting on a bus on Glasgow's south side and spotting an old pal on board.

"Better than Indians would enjoy a Scottish winter," his old chum replied.

THE only downside to the great weather was some fog disrupting ferry services. Says a confused Harry Anderson in Brodick: "On ferry company Calmac's website under Disruptions for Arran Service, it states, 'Due to the build-up of traffic at both ports following earlier cancellations, the decision has been made to cancel the 1350 sailing from Brodick and the 1515 from Ardrossan in an attempt to reduce congestion'.

"How exactly does this work?"

READER Neil Scott is intrigued by the Quotes of the Day section in yesterday's Herald, in which presenter Piers Morgan is quoted as saying about the Prime Minister: "I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw a boar's head" "Boar's head?" wonders Neil who asks: "You don't think he meant that as a spoonerism?"

THE Labour Party conference reminds John Henderson of when he worked at the party. He recalls: "A year after Eric Heffer stormed off the conference platform in protest at Kinnock lambasting Liverpool’s Derek Hatton, we were showing NEC members, on the eve of the Blackpool Conference, the new Peter Mandelson-inspired stage that had double-tier seating for the NEC. Tony Benn was there with Heffer, and they had been placed well out of the way, at the top, very fittingly to the far left of the platform with only one tight way of exit.

"Benn, after asking Heffer what he thought of the new red rose logo behind them, and their seating arrangements, wryly said to the Walton MP, 'More importantly, Eric, have they left enough leg room for you to walk out?'”

EVER make a silly mistaken identity gaff? A reader tells us: "I once spent the night scrunched up one side of the bed so as not to disturb my dog. Woke up to find it was a dressing gown."

Any others?

SAD to hear of the death of Lanarkshire businessman and one-time Tory Party activist Arthur Bell, who was always happy to have a chat with The Diary. We remember his pawky sense of humour when Labour councillors running the show in Glasgow were caught up in a row over being given lavish trips abroad on council business in return for supporting certain party leaders. Arthur turned up at the City Chambers with a wheelbarrow full of holiday brochures which he dumped at the front door as a gift to the councillors.

GOOD to see Scotland get a mention in a survey by bed company Dreams into having guests stay overnight. It seems Scotland is the best place to go if you are hoping for a decent breakfast in the morning. Some 56 per cent of Scots said they would buy extra breakfast ingredients if they were expecting a guest, compared to 42 per cent across the rest of the UK. Or maybe we just like the chance to fry sausages.