PROBLEMS that never arose before - it was the first day of the Labour conference in Brighton yesterday and also Scotland v USA in the Rugby World Cup. As journalist Jamie Ross down at Brighton commented in the morning: "I'm trying to make plans to see the Scotland game. It's a shame there are no Scottish MPs to watch it with."

And a reader who watched the exciting England Wales game on the telly on Saturday night told us: "You know what the other best thing about watching it on STV? No bloody X Factor."

OUR story about the American ice hockey player's move to Scotland reminds Cameron Bell: "My good friend Ryan Kummu was a Canadian import who came to Scotland to play with Fife Flyers at the time of the BSE crisis. The players wives met up with Ryan's wife, Suzanne, and invited her along for a 'cup of tea and a wee blether'.

"A distraught Suzanne told Ryan, 'I'm so worried, with this mad cow disease, what if the wee blether they're talking about has meat in it? Always resourceful Ryan replied, 'Just tell them you are a vegetarian'."

PROVERBS being updated due to recent news events - Where there's smoke there's a VW Polo."

FORMER stewardess Sally Armstrong, in her just published book about flying on Concorde, Vintage Champagne on the Edge of Space, tells of the times British Airways would, unannounced, put Concorde on the early flight from London to Glasgow as a publicity stunt. Most passengers were extremely excited apart from one laid-back chap who asked her, 'We're still going to arrive on time aren't we?"

Sally also tells of comedian Bob Hope's reaction when he saw how cramped the Concorde toilets were. "You really have to decide what you’re gonna do before going into one of these. Either reverse in, or forward, for us guys." explained Bob.

AUSTRALIAN stand-up Felicity Ward, who appeared at Glasgow's Drygate at the weekend, loves collecting puns on her travels. She still remembers her first visit to the Edinburgh Festival when she spotted a gentleman "as broad as he was tall" who had a t-shirt bearing the legend "Sex, Drugs and Sausage Rolls." There was also the English town where she thought the owner of the takeaway shop was clearly a Lionel Richie fan as the premises were called "Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"

TONY Blair's former spin doctor Alistair Campbell was getting the train south from Glasgow at the weekend, and he observed on social media: "Leaving Glasgow Central en route Burnley. Too many Scottish Manchester United fans on train. English Premier League has been bad for Scottish football."

Within minutes someone replied: "So has Scottish football."

A YOUNG man is heard being philosophical in a Glasgow pub at the weekend about being dumped by his girlfriend. As he explained: "The hardest part about being rejected is that I admire her even more for her critical thinking skills and her ability to make wise decisions."

WE mentioned John Lennon's widow Yoko Ono using Twitter to release enigmatic aphorisms about peace and love. We gave as an example the obscure: "Carry a bag of peas. Leave a pea wherever you go."

Almost inevitably someone has created a parody account in the name of Glaswegian Yoko Ono who is strangely compelling. She tells us: "Open your roll and sausage and let the rain wash away all the tomato ketchup. The sausage is now innocent of war. Put it in a baby's pram."

Strangely compelling somehow.

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"Where the Scottish fashionista shops in New York" says Moira Bryan of Paisley.