MUCH lewd conjecture about Prime Minister David Cameron after some scabrous comment about his behaviour when a student. We appreciate the subtlety of David Whitley who comments: "Now we know what David Cameron was thinking about when he said West Ham was his favourite football team rather than Aston Villa."

DONNIE Pollock in Glasgow reads the label on some medicine to control overactive bladders, and he muses: "Got to hand it to the manufacturers. 'Take with water', it says on the box. Now that's confidence for you."

ACTOR Rupert Everett was in Glasgow this week for the Citizens Theatre's 70th birthday celebrations. Rupert, whose acting career began at the Gorbals theatre in the 70s once fondly recalled: "Provided the play ended at 10:20 when the last bus left, the audience really enjoyed themselves at the Citz. However, if the show ran on even a minute late, the audience would still get up at 10:20 - and you could hear the clatter, clatter, clatter of their seats as they left."

WE like the definition of a musician passed on to us by Fergus Muirhead: "Someone who loads £5000 worth of gear into a £500 car to drive 100 miles for a £50 gig."

STRICTLY Come Dancing returns to the telly on Friday night. We like the slow dawning of realisation with competitor Jeremy Vine who told the Radio Times on his first meeting with the rest of the dancers: "As I gazed around, the thing that worried me was: there was no buffoon. No idiot. Nobody who couldn’t dance.”

A READER phones to ask us: "Why is it I would have to own a car for at least 30 years before it would be described as vintage, yet my daughter says that the phone I bought her only six months ago is vintage, and needs replaced."

PUNNING tradesmen continued. Brian Donohoe in Ayrshire saw a van belonging to a local plumber called Colin. Not much room to play about with that one suspects, until he came up with the idea of adding a hyphen so that the sign on his van now reads "Col-in the Plumber." Well done that man.

A GLASGOW woman is heard telling her pals: "My husband took me out for dinner on our anniversary. I tried to get him to be all romantic during the meal and I asked him to tell me something that would make my heart beat faster.

"So he told me he'd forgotten to bring his credit card."

WE foolishly drifted into gags about human cannonballs, so it is probably fair that we add the old nugget Alex Carmichael in Kilmacolm passes on: "I believe that when the human cannonball became 'bored' and wanted to quit, the circus owner pleaded with him to stay by telling him, 'You can`t leave – where else will I find a man of your calibre?'"

Yes, that's enough.