LABOUR’S new Shadow Cabinet has been blasted by critics for not appointing women to the top jobs.

The news that Mary Poppins is to be re-made for the cinema has given two Labour spin doctors food for thought.

“That’s what we need, a Mary Poppins figure in the Shadow Cabinet!” said Spin Doctor 1,” excitedly. “Home Secretary!”

“Your brain’s turned to popcorn,” said his colleague.

“No, think about it. She’s the perfect embodiment of the ideals were trying to sell to the nation.”

“What? She was a posh totty nanny. And we’ve got a socialist leader who makes Marx seem like a moderate.”

“No, she sounded posh. But she’s an egalitarian, like JC.”

“Jesus Christ?”

“No, Jeremy Corbyn. Our leader. (pauses) Think about it, didn’t she become best friends with Bert the lowly chimney sweep and encourage the kids to be like him?”

“I don’t think sending kids up chimneys again is the way ahead . . .”

“No, in terms of core values. And when she realised Bert was an artist she backed him with cash, clearly an Arts community activist.”

“She’s carpet bagger! A flying freelance nuisance.”

“No, she’s anti-austerity! Didn’t she manage to convince Mr Banks the evil banker to change his ways, to allow Michael to spend a little money?”

“Okay, but she fed the kids sugar!”

“Come on. That was just to get the medicine down, a metaphor to teach them life’s bitter pills have to be swallowed now and again. The sugar was just a little quantitative easing.”

“She represented the Nanny State. Tony would be beside himself if we brought in a Mary P.”

“Tony’s most likely beside a Bush, or a Saudi Arabian businessman at this time. Any Poppins believed in the free-thinking individual, of kite flying and fun rather than kids staring at tablets all day. And the lampooning of big ladies in the movie? She was all about fighting obesity.”

“Funny, I don’t remember Mary Poppins being political?”

“Are you mad, man? She turned Mrs Banks into a suffragette! And as an economic migrant herself, from wherever, she’ll be up for taking in more than 20k. The lefties will love her.”

“But will Jeremy love her?”

“What? He’s part of the movie cast already. He’s the mad grandad on the roof firing the canons at the Tories. He’ll love her.”

“But she leapt off that cartoon horse on the carousel, entered a race – and won it. She’ll be seen as a Leadership contender - and therefore a threat.”

“No she won’t. Remember, she doesn’t stay too long anywhere. She solves a problem - and moves on.”

“Look, it’s a good idea. But a Mary Poppins would be too soft, all that tuppence to save the birds stuff.”

“You kidding? The animal welfare charities right behind us. And consider this; when she turned up at the Banks’ residence didn’t she vanish all the opponents for the job?”

“Ha! You’re so right. Let’s get a Poppins. The Tory Boy and Nicola are in for a shock.”