SADLY singer and comedian Keith Harris, who appeared with his green duck puppet Orville has died. We last saw Keith do a Freshers' Week set at Strathclyde University a few years back when he also brought along Orville's monkey sidekick Cuddles who made many a foul-mouthed remark about women in the audience. When one student heckled Chuckles, the monkey quite rightly told him: ''Whose got the problem? You or me? You're the one arguing with a puppet.''
We wondered why Keith was flogging himself around students' unions, but then we noticed him leave in a shiny Mercedes with the registration ORV1L, so perhaps he wasn't as daft after all.
ACTUALLY we don't think she was being disrespectful, but Nina Conti the comedian, and daughter of actor Tom, does a ventriloquism act with a deadpan monkey called, well, Monkey. Yesterday Monkey put on social media: "My thoughts are with Orville today. Tough one buddy."
WE asked for your canvassing stories and Rom McAdam recalled: "Labour councillor Alex McGuire was canvassing in Bothwell where he spent a considerable time trying to persuade an elderly lady of Conservative persuasion to change her mind. Having no success Alex left her front door to be advised that his helpers had been unsuccessful in canvassing the next door neighbour as there was a large dog in the front garden which was not for letting them enter said garden. 'That's OK', said Alex, 'we'll get to the back door round the corner'. Alex duly rounded the corner, miscalculated the number of houses and knocked the door of the old woman he had just spent ages with trying to convert to Labour. The door opened and the old lady looked at Alex who quick as a flash said, 'Have you changed your mind yet'?"
AWAY from the elections, the exams start this week in Scottish schools. Cleverly Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson got in on the act by writing in social media: "Scotland's exams start today - good luck to folk sitting them over the next few weeks - and, if you need a study break, there's leafletting."
SUGARY doughnut franchise Krispy Kreme is to open its third Scottish store at Braehead in the old Maritime Museum building. We thought the museum was supposed to be a cultural landmark when the developers built Braehead, but it eventually closed. There's a surprise. Anyway a reader tells us of American chat show host Conan O'Brien who remarked a few weeks ago: "Today, each Krispy Kreme franchise is giving away a free doughnut to its first 1000 customers. Unfortunately, it's not going well since the first customer is still stuck in the door."
A READER notes that Scots singer The Proclaimers are appearing at T in the Park this year before travelling to their next gig at Lowestoft down in Suffolk. Says our reader: "It may seem far, but as The Proclaimers put it, it's only walking distance."
A GLASGOW office worker says he was looking for an app for his smart phone that would automatically tell him when significant dates were coming up. Seeking advice, he asked his office IT person if he could recommend something that would remember birthdays and anniversaries. "Have you tried a wife?" the chap replied.
BOURNEMOUTH'S amazing rise from the bottom of League Two all the way to promotion to the English Premier League is one of this year's great football stories. Given Bournemouth's reputation as a town full of retirees it was inevitable perhaps that Karl Minns joked: "Congratulations to Bournemouth on their promotion. I said, 'Congratulations on the promotion, dear! The promotion! Yes!'"
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