AYRSHIRE author Ian McMurdo's just published book, The Juniors - The Story of Cumnock Juniors Football Club, includes the tale of Cumnock playing at Lugar where a home player appeared in a pair of grey flannel trousers, tucked into his socks, as he had forgotten his shorts.

After he had slid around all over the place, he was told by Cumnock's Jim "Maxie" McCulloch: "You'll no be going to the dancing tonight with the state of your trousers."

"Of course I will - these are your trousers I'm wearing," he replied.

A belter

OUR mention of school belts reminds Colin Castle: "When I was at Kingsridge Secondary School in Drumchapel the belt of a fellow teacher vanished and he suspected one of his register class. He told them he would leave the room and return in five minutes and if the belt was on his desk no more would be said about it.

"After the allotted time, he returned and the belt was indeed on his desk - but in a pile of half-inch square chunks. Presumably the culprit had acquired a Stanley knife from the technical department and performed surgery before returning it."

Crunch time

MEDIA trainer Charles Fletcher was helping a journalism student at Glasgow Clyde College's radio station where he got an interviewee on line, and, before handing her over to the student presenter, asked the customary question all radio stations do to check sound levels: "What did you have for breakfast?"

There was silence on the line, so Charles tried to encourage her: "You can just make something up if you haven't eaten today," and eventually the girl blurted out: "Toast."

Satisfied, Charles handed her over to the presenter who began the interview: "Thanks for joining us today. Now, eating disorders and your personal experience."

Strange goings on

MISTAKING a stranger for a friend is always a tricky encounter. As David Clark in Tarbolton tells us: "Leaving work I thought that I recognised a former colleague that I hadn't seen for years. 'There's an auld face' I called. As he looked towards me I realised I was addressing a stranger. He looked totally bemused as I shuffled away red-faced."

Royal toil

ROYAL visits continued. Says Gordon Casely: "In 1977, Glasgow was first stop on the Queen's Silver Jubilee Tour, and ahead of the royal procession, the streets were to be sanded to give grip to the horses.

"The Queen was due at Glasgow Cathedral, and as the time for the royal appearance drew near, the cheering grew louder, and round the corner came two cleansing department gritters, busy sanding the road, with the boys in the cabs royally waving to the lieges. They almost gained as big a cheer as HM herself."

Take a bow

WE hear from the STUC's Women's Conference in Dundee where Unison's splendid equality officer from Glasgow Eileen Dinning, chairing the conference, was telling the delegates about the Scottish woman on trial for murdering her husband who was asked by the judge why she had shot him with a bow and arrow.

"I didn't want to wake the weans," she replied.

Say what?

HISTORIC quotes as seen through Scottish eyes:

"Remember son, just keep the heid" - James VI to Charles I. (Andy Ewan).

"I'll be home after nine" Frank Haffey to his family before game at Wembley. (Bill Allan).