KILLJOYS at Glasgow City Council want to spend thousands of pounds putting the Duke of Wellington's statue on a higher plinth in order to deter the larrikins who put a traffic cone on its head.

Many people would see that as a great shame. The statue already gets reviewed on tourism site TripAdvisor with one visitor explaining: "I watched a rather happy guy moving the hat from Wellington to the horse's head, with the police (two cars full) trying to get the guy to come down. I don't think they jailed him in the end - the crowd gathered wouldn't let them." Justice, Glasgow-style it seems.

A study in relaxation

WE mentioned St Mungo's Academy in Glasgow, and Brendan Docherty recalls: "We had after-school homework classes regularly overseen by the somewhat eccentric English teacher 'Shuggy' Ennis whose party trick was to arrive with a fine china cup and saucer and a bun. He would then clear the teacher's desk and lay out along it only rousing occasionally to munch some bun and sip some tea. We were meant to get on with our studies and not interrupt his slumber.

"Studying has never been my strong point but I'm sure my lifelong ability to grab 40 winks in almost any situation comes from the teachings of Mr Ennis."

That sing-King feeling

GRAEME Forbes reads that Scotland's own Susan Boyle is to duet with the late Elvis on a charity single this Christmas and wonders if it will be "Crying in Drumchapel".

Blooming clever

ROYAL Visits continued. David Campbell tells us: "Princess Margaret visited RAF South Cerney and the station was tarted up in the usual fashion, grass cut, stones painted white etc. In addition, a local florist was commissioned to brighten up the borders on the driveway up to the main gate. He duly appeared and planted the blooms, curiously, still in their orange flowerpots. The reason for this became clear for, as soon as HRH had gone, he re-appeared, dug them up and took them away."

Boys will be boys

AH the joys of youth. Ellen Crawford was out walking in Glasgow when a young chap came towards her on a bike. He stopped, pointed to where he had come from, and asked her: "Are you going that way?" When Ellen answered in the affirmative, he proudly replied: "Good - you'll see ma skid."

Better late ...

CHANGE at Radio Scotland where Iain Anderson's late-night show has been extended to 1am. Iain himself got a bit mixed up when he announced on air that the show would be on until "1300 hours". He later corrected himself and pointed out that if he was on until 1300 hours there would be no Good Morning Scotland, Call Kaye or Fred Macaulay. He didn't expect the listener who emailed: "Not a bad idea."

Meal mix-up

A TEACHER tells us she overheard a fifth-year pupil ask a classmate: "How many ribs do you have?" When the boy answered: "Three" the girl was surprised and told him: "Three? I was thinking about twenty!"

To which the boy told her: "Oh, I thought you meant how many do I have for dinner."

Back chat

WE asked for historical quotes if seen through Scottish eyes, and Ian Sharp in Erskine suggests Leonardo Da Vinci and: "I'll wipe that smile aff yer face, Mona."

David Walker suggests: "Good news, Noah! Govan say they can finish it now."

Carl Williamson submits: "OH! Ma Heid," Sir Isaac Newton.

George Crawford: "You'll have had your tea?" Bethlehem innkeeper.