News of a pre-bonfire night event called Penny for the Old Guy.
Check various shop doorways on the Byres Road in Glasgow for an old geezer in shabby clothing soliciting donations. You will recognise me from the photo above.
Please be advised that the recommended contribution is a pound not a penny. Paper money is welcome as are electronic bank transfers and direct debits. Using Gift Aid means I can reclaim basic rate tax on your largesse.
You may ask: why donate to this old buffer? The rationale is that children have had Guy Fawkes Night and Hallowe'en their own way for too long and it's time deserving pensioners had a shot. When was the last time one of these young whippersnappers had to denude a bank account to pay a ScottishPower bill?
I am merely acting as a guinea pig to see if Penny for the Old Guy will work in practice. Once it has been tested, the initiative will be rolled out to other pensioners throughout the land.
It's not just about money. Donations in kind will be most appreciated. Here's an example of how it works. This old guy is sitting outside with his free cup of coffee and newspaper courtesy of the MyWaitrose card. Donors are inside buying stuff and checking the claim that Waitrose can be cheaper than Tesco. This old guy collects the kind contributions at the end of his shift.
What about guising?
You are welcome to chap on my door and deliver Hallowe'en offerings. Nuts, toffee apples, and tubes of Smarties are fine. But like most Hallowe'en recipients, I prefer cash.
In return I will perform a party piece. You can choose between a song, an old joke, or a short dissertation on the use of the colon and semi-colon in the practice of popular journalism.
Plans are already advanced for a festive season spin-off of the Penny for a Pensioner concept. Full details will follow later on suggested giving for the 12 days of Christmas. No livestock please; send that goat to Africa. Oven-ready fowl and game birds will fit the bill.
Do not go to a lot of trouble as Christmas is being downsized this year. Anything from the Lidl De Luxe festive range will do.
Hogmanay? Bring as much coal as you can carry. Black bun, of course, and any variety of Caribbean rum.
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