Vote early, vote often as the saying goes.

If I can't vote often in the independence referendum, I want to vote early. It's a Yes vote from me. I now seek some form of hibernation from the present diet of threat, insult and bile which masquerades as debate.

Before I go, there are some issues to be looked at:

l Should we change the rules to let everyone in Britain have a vote? It may be our best chance for self-determination if the English opt to chuck us out of the United Kingdom.

For this ploy to work, Alex Salmond will have to do more to upset not just middle England but all of it.

A few extra perks for us residents north of the Border might do the trick: a free cruise or a winter holiday for every citizen; a spare bedroom allowance; a Hogmanay hamper for each household. We need the English media to co-operate by mounting a sustained and vitriolic Jocks Out campaign.

l Can David Cameron organise his referendum on UK membership of the European Union before September 18? It would help to know the exact state of the Union people are voting for or against.

l Most importantly, can Mr Salmond give a cast-iron personal assurance that, after independence, I will be appointed culinary attache at the Scottish embassy in Barcelona? It's my view that there is much work to be done in the fusion of Caledonian and Catalan cooking and I can think of no better person than myself for the job.

With these political points out of the way, I can concentrate on how to cope with the rest of this Yes/No interlude. I will appoint a political adviser whose job it is to advise me on how to avoid indyref coverage.

This will mean watching only Channel Five News. Not reading newspapers or magazines until my adviser has snipped out all offending articles. There is presumably some parental control-type computer setting which can block content with key words such as "better" and "together".

Indyref evasion will not be easy. I may have to spend a lot of time in another country with a warm climate but no heated debate.

On the home front, retreat may be required into a darkened room to watch all over again every episode of Breaking Bad, The Wire, The Sopranos and Hugh McIlvanney's documentaries on Matt Busby, Bill Shankly and Jock Stein.