THE Tories are not pleased that the United Nations says the bedroom tax on poor benefit claimants is a disgrace, possibly a denial of human rights, and should be abolished.

They have taken particular umbrage that Raquel Rolnik, the UN special rapporteur on housing, who highlighted the evil nature of this so-called "benefit reform" is Brazilian.

Conservative Party chairman Grant Shapps suggests Ms Rolnik, pictured, has a cheek to speak since her country has 50 million people with inadequate housing. He misses the point that a UN expert who grew up in the land of the favela might be better qualified in equitable housing matters than, for instance, a Cabinet of Tory ministers who went to Eton.

We need more, not less, intervention in our affairs by world agencies. Call in the UN Peacebuilding Commission to supervise the independence referendum. With a truth and reconciliation process before the vote so the Yes and No factions don't fall out afterwards. We want it to be civil with no civil war. And no need to call in the UN High Commission for Refugees to deal with ethic cleansing and the tragic migrations of people from one bit of Partick to another.

Other issues to be dealt with:

l The World Health Organisation should take over from Atos the responsibility for deciding if a benefit claimant who, say, has cancer and is confined to a wheelchair really is fit for work. Especially after the company's recent merger to form Koodnigi Atos. (I might have made that last bit up.)

lAn investigation by the FBI X-Files department into the mysterious case of Rangers Football Club. Did it die or was it merely a near-death experience? Are the supporters still Ra Peepul or descendants thereof. Top agents Mulder and Scully will be called in. Some Rangers fans may dismiss Scully as biased because she is rid-heided and has a suspiciously Tim-sounding name.

l National Geographic commissioned to study the potholes on Glasgow's roads. Experts will identify those which can be repaired. Other, canyon-sized examples, will be designated as national heritage sites or of special scientific interest and given protected status under Historic Scotland.

l The World Wildlife Fund will carry out a study on how to protect Sauchiehall Street on a Friday night as a habitat for indigenous tribes.

l A 21st-century Spanish Inquisition to decide on the restructuring of the hierarchy of the Catholic Church.