Welcome to the Herald Diary newsletter by Lorne Jackson. Going strong for half a century, The Diary finds the sublime and the ridiculous in Scottish life.

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• Clean… or obscene?

Lucky Gordon Fisher from Stewarton is off on his summer hols, along with his wife.

“My good lady decided to hire a cleaner to give Fisher Towers a richt guid dicht, so that the place would be spotless on our return,” says Gordon.

“On the day we left, we dropped off a key and told the cleaner to let herself in and to pop it through the letterbox when she was done.

“We received the following message: ‘Finished with key today. Will now poo through letterbox.’”

With a shudder, Gordon adds: “We sincerely hope she made a typo. If not, we’ll need another cleaner on our return. One with a strong stomach.”

• Sport spat

The England footy team did well to reach the Euro 24 final, as we’ve previously mentioned.

Scotland can also be proud… um, we’re not sure how to complete this sentence.

Okay, how about this… Scotland can also be proud, especially the bloke behind the wheel of the team bus, who managed to drive the lads to each stadium in plenty of time for the matches.

Perhaps understandably, the fans of Ecosse are miffed about the widening gap in sporting aptitude between ourselves and those pesky folk from beyond Hadrian’s Wall.

It was ever thus, points out Peter Wright from West Kilbride.

When reminded by his southerly cousins of the momentous 1966 win, his repeated retort is: "Was that the team that Scotland beat at Wembley on 15th April 1967, by three goals to two?"

Paula Singleton says: “In other words, blink and you’ll miss it… or, rather, them.”

• Spot the difference

Many years ago reader James Clark frequented a hostelry where two chaps served behind the bar. They both had the first name Steven, though one was over six foot tall, while the other was a diminutive five foot six.

“Perhaps inevitably,” says James, “they became known as the Uneven Stevens.”

• Geography for beginners

Bamboozled reader Laura Boyd says: “Why do Americans always refer to Europe as though it’s one country? They’re constantly saying stuff like, ‘When I went to Europe…’”

Adds Laura: “I want to say to them, ‘So which Europe are you talking about? Paris or Auchenshuggle?”

• More MacShakey

The Diary is improving the plays of Wee Wullie Shakespeare by providing them with a Scottish setting.

Charles Currie suggests a hard-drinking version of one of the Bard’s comedies, to be titled Quarter Gill for Quarter Gill.

• Same old story

An inspiring tale from reader Craig Matthews: “When I was young, I was very poor. After years of struggle, I'm no longer young.”

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