Love… actually?
THE Diary is a newspaper version of Love Island, only without the thongs, Botox and sunburn. What we have instead is a matchmaking service for celebrities. Jeff Auton from Bathgate says: “Imagine if Isla St Clair had married the late Barry White, then divorced him and married Bryan Ferry. She'd be known as Isla White-Ferry.”
Testing times
THE SQA exam results are announced soon, and reader Eddy Cavin is thinking about all the cliches that newspapers and TV news programmes rely on to report the annual event. (With the exception of The Herald, obviously, which is always startlingly original in its content.) Here’s Eddy’s Top 5 Exam Result Cliches Propagated by the Media…
1.There must be a picture of a group of pupils jumping in the air holding their certificates.
2. Said picture must be captioned: ‘Higher and Higher.’
3. Despite it being the school holidays, all pupils will be wearing school uniform.
4. Television news will be there to capture the moment that a pupil from a posh fee-paying school, who gets individual tuition on every subject, opens her envelope to find the five As needed to get into medicine/law at Glasgow Uni, just like mummy and daddy.
5. There must be a mention of pupils getting their results by text; even emails are a thing of the past.
Cash conjecture
SCIENTIFICALLY inclined reader Roberta Evans says: “People say money doesn't buy happiness, but I'm willing to accept donations to test that theory.”
Hitting it off
WE’RE recalling the cruel schooldays of yore. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton was once given a test by a geography teacher in which pupils had to label the various parts of a volcano. Says Gordon: “I couldn't help demonstrate my amazing sense of humour in a bid to impress a girl sitting near me. “So using highly technical language, I labelled the parts of the volcano as ‘Inside’ and ‘Outside’.” Unfortunately the teacher didn't entirely appreciate Gordon’s comedic talents, and rewarded him with six of the best. “I don't know what hurt more,” sighs Gordon, “the pain of the tawse, or the girl I fancied laughing as I received it.” Unlucky break ON a Paisley bus, reader Ted Frazier overheard two teenage blokes chatting. With a concerned face, one of them said: “Y’know, I’ve never broken a single bone. It feels like I’m just not living life to the fullest.”
Not a drag
“I FINALLY got rid of my old caravan,” says reader Tony Davis. “I’m ecstatic.”
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