It wasn’t until Deborah Kerr was on the start line of an Olympic final that she was truly able to shake off the imposter syndrome that had dogged her for so much of her career.
The 25-year-old has, by those within her sport, been recognised as a truly world-class sprint canoeist for some time but for Kerr herself, it wasn’t until she was racing for an Olympic gold medal in Tokyo almost two years ago that she felt her much-needed self-belief rise to the surface.
“Being in that final in Tokyo finally made me feel like ok, I am supposed to be here,” she says.
“Until then, I’d definitely had imposter syndrome. But after Tokyo, it changed. I did start to believe in myself.”
The Tokyo Olympics, at which she reached the final of the K1 200m and the quarter-finals of the K1 500m - reiterated something else to Kerr too; they made her realise that she’s in this sport not to make up the numbers, but to win medals.
And the next 12 months-or-so will give her ample opportunity to contend for major championship silverware.
Kerr’s first opportunity comes this week, at the European Games where Kerr is one of the 9-strong canoe sprint squad Team GB has sent to Poland. Then comes the World Championships in August, which double as the qualification event for next summer’s Olympic Games before the big one, next July; the Paris Olympics.
In Poland this week, Kerr will be part of the 4-woman K4 squad and having excelled in a single-seater canoe in Tokyo two years ago, adjusting to being part of a quartet has, admits Kerr, taken some getting used to.
But it’s come as a welcome change, the Carluke native says.
“I love the K4. It’s definitely challenging but I really enjoy it. I’m a very sociable person and I really like working with others so to be able to come together and work out where our gaps are and how to improve is very rewarding. We’ve all got our role to play in the boat and it’s my preferred event,” she says.
“You have to take everyone else’s thoughts and feelings into consideration but I think it’s opened my eyes to different types of training and so I think being in the four has helped me individually a lot.”
Last year’s European Championships saw Kerr and her GB teammates finish in sixth place and she’s intent on improving that placing this week.
But having set herself the goal of pushing the very best in the world for podium places it is, admits Kerr, a fine line before that expectation tips over into unmanageable pressure.
“There’s the pressure now of backing up what I did in Tokyo,” she says.
“I’m trying not to think about that pressure but it’s not easy and I’m working hard on being kinder to myself.
“I do use that pressure as fuel too, though – that I am good at what I do and I deserve to be at these big events.
“While we’re obviously focused on qualifying for Paris, we don’t want to just make up the numbers.
“We always want to do our best and I’m going to enjoy being part of Team GB again but we want to build on all the good work we’ve done over the winter.
“We’re feeling stronger and fitter than we’ve ever been so that will hopefully show when we’re racing.”
While the European Games is Kerr’s short-term focus, already she admits she speaks about next summer’s Olympics daily, a situation which stems, at least in part, by the fact that her boyfriend, rower Matt Haywood, is also an internationalist and has designs on being in Paris next summer.
It makes for an intense twelve months coming up.
“It feels like things are really heating up now – I talk about the Olympics every day already which is probably a good thing and a bad thing, she says.
“My boyfriend and I don’t get to see each other too much but we both understand what it takes to get to an Olympics and we know the sacrifices you have to make. “The thought of us both racing on the same course in Paris though is a huge thing so it’s going to be an exciting year.”
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