String theory
WE’RE discussing a certain regal member of the avian family. Which reminds Steven Lindley from Thornliebank of the time when he worked in a corner shop, and an elderly chap once asked if he could buy some swan vests.
“I was about to tell him that we didn’t stock underclothes, for humans or animals,” says Steven. “Then I realised that perhaps he was alluding to Swan Vesta matches. This turned out to be the case.”
Adds our reader: “For the rest of the day I couldn’t help imagining what sort of vest a swan would wear, if it was so inclined. Certainly not a string one – swans are far too sartorially elegant for that.”
The hard drive
THE rigours and rewards of exercise, continued. Fiona Morley from Kirkcaldy noticed that her husband has become rather burly, and tactfully suggested that he might want to attend the local gym.
He assured her there was no need, for he was already exercising… in the car.
He went on to explain that when he drove to work he clenched the steering wheel extra hard. He also had taken up ferociously gnashing chewing gum while he drove.
“All of that has got to be burning off a few extra calories, hasn’t it?” he said.
Royally wrong
ANOTHER tale from the chalkface. Glasgow science teacher Sharon Oakley was discussing in class the discoveries of the Italian astronomer Galileo, which inspired one student to thrust a hand in the air and say: “Wisnae he the dude in that auld Queen song? Did he no' have something tae do with a fandango? Wis that some weird hing he invented?”
Read more: A dad's tale of swanupmanship
📖 Sign up to the Herald Diary newsletter and get the sublime and the ridiculous sent directly to your inbox every day.
Monarchical muddle
CONTINUING the subject of royalty. It won’t have escaped our readers notice that next month will see the coronation of King Charles.
James Ferrier from Greenock was discussing the occasion with his teenage grandson, who said: “I didn’t know till recently that a coronation is an actual thing. I just thought it was some made-up street in Manchester.”
Money matters
THIRSTY reader Jack Davidson visited his local hostelry with a chum. While waiting to be served at the bar, Jack’s chum pointed to the Tip Jar and said: “That makes no sense.”
“What do you mean?” said Jack.
“Well,” said the chum, “if I tip it, all the cash will spill out.”
Fashionable filching
SARTORIALLY-SAVVY reader Angela Taylor gets in touch to tell us: “I used to dress off the peg. But now my neighbours bring their laundry in at night…”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here