Remember Phoenix Nights? Remember ‘remember Ceefax?’? Remember garlic bread? 

Remember ‘GARLIC BREAD???’? 

Why are you asking me what I remember?

Remember Peter Kay? Remember Phoenix Nights? Remember Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere? Remember the Amarillo song?

Yes, but -

Remember Peter Kay’s last tour 12 years ago? Remember 2010?

I do, but - 

Remember Lady Gaga’s meat dress? Remember Instagram being created? Remember The Social Network, Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher’s acclaimed insight into the origins of Facebook? Remember The Hurt Locker’s Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett winning for Best Sound Mixing at the 82nd Academy Awards? 

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Most of that, but - 

Remember the World Cup in South Africa? Remember vuvuzelas? Remember your nan thought vuvuzela was a country in South America?

My nan didn’t say - 

Remember Wikileaks? Remember Angry Birds? Remember Downton Abbey? Remember the coalition government? Remember the trapped Chilean miners? Remember the BP oil spill?

Of course, but - 

Remember 12 years ago? Remember 2010? Remember Peter Kay’s last tour? 

No, but I’ve got a feeli - 

Remember it was his first tour for seven years? Remember it was called ‘The Tour That Doesn’t Tour Tour…Now On Tour’ after his initial plan to just play a series of dates in Manchester grew into a nationwide tour? Remember it was a complete sell-out, with its sales of over one million tickets making it the world’s biggest stand-up comedy tour? Remember he was the first stand-up comedian to play 15 sold out nights at London’s O2 Arena?

Vaguely, but - 

Remember Sunday night’s episode of ‘I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!’? Remember the advert that was shown during it, in which Peter Kay is shown carrying a carpet into a house? Remember it featuring confirmation from Kay that he would be back on tour before the end of the year?

I don't watch - 

Remember it was followed up by a statement online, which read: “It’s good to get back to what I love doing best, stand-up comedy, and if there’s ever a time people need a laugh it’s now”? Remember he added: “And with the cost of living at an all-time high, ticket prices are starting from £35, the same price they were on my previous tour in 2010”? Remember the tour poster described it as “better late than never” and “the ideal Christmas gift”?

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Did he remember to book any Scottish dates?

Remember the statement was accompanied by a list of 22 British shows, two of which will take place at Glasgow’s OVO Hydro in May 2023?

I’ve never actually seen Peter Kay live. What’s he like?

I don’t remember.