THE new higher and further education year starts next month. And some parents are experiencing a growing feeling of dread as that date in the calendar gets ever closer.
Empty nest syndrome?
The long-touted narrative is that parents and guardians typically go through a period akin to grieving, but that isn't always the case. Consultant psychologist Dr Elena Touroni says we need to to normalise all the different feelings parents may have about their child leaving home.
Not everyone is sad and anxious, then?
It's quite common to feel relief, or even happiness, says Dr Touroni. For some, she says, "if their children have been the priority at the expense of their own needs for a long time, this separation can be a relief, because they will be able to prioritise themselves and their own needs."
But shouldn't you feel guilty?
You aren't a monster for feeling happy about a new chapter in your own life –18 years of parenting is physically and mentally exhausting, and involves a whole load of personal and financial sacrifices. Psychotherapist Debbie Longsdale says: "Guilt can be a complex emotion.
"Our responses are very often unconsciously learnt, and the more objective and 'neutral' we can be, the better chance we have of noticing and accepting our personal responses. We may need to 'unlearn' some 'rules for living' that served us well when our family was young; time spent rushing around and organising them, and even being the 'helicopter parent', but which don't feel helpful now."
OK, so what next?
For a parent who has organised their entire lives around the children, this new chapter will bring new opportunities, says Dr Longsdale, including "more freedom, perhaps financial changes, and an opportunity for reinvention". It can be helpful to prepare and plan ahead for what you're going to do with your extra time and energy. She says some people feel the need for an "early distraction" – immediately throwing yourself into something new if you know you'll find this time hard.
It's not that simple, though?
Some people will need an adjustment period too, or some "processing time", notes Dr Longsdale, "and that is OK. It's quite normal to feel waves of grief with sadness and tears." People should reconnect with their own goals and what they would like to achieve – maybe go for that big promotion you always wanted, or to get involved in more projects.
We need to accept that things are evolving?
"The transition is about letting go of one type of relationship to allow another one to form and come into being," says psychotherapist Willis Atherley-Bourne. He suggests agreeing a pattern of contact to help bridge the change. For example, a phone call on a Sunday or starting a family WhatsApp group.
The bigger picture?
"Moving out is a hugely positive step for your child – it brings them independence and responsibility, and sets them up for adult life", says Dr Longdsale. "They have been naturally pulling away from their parents since they were born. It is a healthy life stage, even one to celebrate, for them – but also for you."
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