WHAT? You’ve had enough of Goldilocks? You don’t want this pantomime to continue? You’re saying that when someone is shown to be entirely morally bankrupt it’s time to pull down the curtain on their career? And Boris can take his henchwomen Nadine Dorries and Priti Patel with him, not to mention the Ugly Sisters in the form of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove!

No, no, you’ve picked me up wrong. We’re not talking about the Westminster farrago fronted by the Eton-educated, mendacious, opportunistic, tousle-haired Goldilocks. We’re talking about the real Goldilocks, as in the central figure in the new panto that’s now playing in Glasgow.

Goldilocks Goes to Greece sees the perennially fussy Goldie (Rosie Graham), a housebreaker and porridge thief to trade – ‘It has to be just right’ – and her sex-mad mother Pat (Fraser Boyle) set off on a holiday to the sunny Aegean.

Goldie, we learn, may be a fusspot but is not all that fussed about having a holiday romance (a woman of our times who doesn’t have to have a man in her life) while her mother is more desperate than a Prime Minister turned over by his best mates.

Into the mix comes Prince Pantaloons, (Ewan Somers), a sad figure told he has to find a bride in a day or else his father will cut him off. But we don’t feel sorry for him because he’s an arrogant, entitled misogynist who considers women exist to be used, a man who likes to hang around Pizza Express and has sweat problems.

Now, you may wonder who writer Andy McGregor (maker of shows such as Spuds and Crocodile Rock) was thinking of when he came up with this creature. You may also wonder how the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears fits into all of this, and perhaps conclude that the attempt to juxtapose the traditional fairy story with the modern-day drugs and sexploits trip to Aya Napa is a little bold and fairly nonsensical.

Oh, yes you will.

But be assured there is a bear in the story, Daddy Bear, (Rebekah Lumsden), who is so desperate to punish Goldie for the porridge misdemeanour he somehow makes his way through customs and onto a flight to the Greek islands. Thereupon, he resolves to eat the heroine of the tale, after boiling her in broth. “It’s Tory broth,” say Daddy Bear. “It tastes of lies.”

And you can also be assured that this panto is more fun than watching Johnson being roasted on the spit, a success in the making from the moment this energy-packed cast walk on stage.

And in what other world will you get the chance to see Goldilocks perform an absolutely wonderful Kate Bush parody, complete with hand held kitchen fan blowing her bridal veil to give the full Wuthering Heights effect? Or a dancing bear that manages a couple of on-stage cartwheels and a series of brilliant deadpan observations.

Forget the politics for an hour. Get in out of the summer rain and wallow in big laughs, great performances daft dancing, and songs catchier than the latest version of Covid.

The cast also includes Chris Stuart Wilson, Jamie Hunter and David McKnight.

Goldilocks Goes To Greece, Oran Mor, until July 23. (For the over 14s).

Summer on stage

THERE is even more panto fun to be had. Pantomonium! in fact, a show which manages to squeeze almost every panto trope created into one fantastic production.

Organised by the Theatre Royal’s Creative learning team, Summer on Stage, is a two-week performing arts programme to give budding performers between the ages of 7-17 years the opportunity to learn while creating a show, make friends, and build confidence.

And here’s how the story runs; There’s panic in Glasgow’s Pantoland! Everything is going missing and no-one is able to live happily ever after. The most wicked baddie in the kingdom is causing mischief, and the magic fairy needs a hero to save the day, in the form of the ultimate supergranny – Wee Senga!

Along with her grandkids Silly Billy and Silly Millie, the trio head on a quest through Pantoland to fix the fairy tale fiasco. Will Aladdin get to rub the lamp? Will the pumpkin become a carriage? And will Sleeping Beauty ever awaken? Our heroes must save the day, with some help from a magic wand, and Senga’s bag of messages.

“Packed with all the things you might expect in a panto – your favourite panto characters, musical hits, side-splitting comedy, and of course, a lot of ‘boos’ and ‘hisses’. Promoting an original script, it’s a true love letter to Glasgow and to panto,” say the producers.

Sarah Macdonald, 11, from Buchlyvie, said: “I am really looking forward to taking part in Pantomonium this summer as I know it will be great fun, I will meet new people and will get to perform on the inspiring stage of the Theatre Royal in Glasgow. So exciting!”

Alison Cowan, Senior Creative Learning Manager, said: “There is nothing quite like the buzz in the theatre when the young company takes to the stage. The camaraderie that develops over the course of the project, the friendships, skills and confidence that grows is great to see and we are delighted to have them back after such a long wait”

Pantomonium, July 22-23, the Theatre Royal, Glasgow.

Don’t miss: Alice In Wonderland. The Tivoli Theatre in Aberdeen are offering up a traditional panto for all the family.