Jollibee Glasgow
Sauchiehall Street
HIGH five to the fat food critic, I boast, as we lope down Sauchiehall Street towards the hottest new ticket in town: I told you no one ever queues in Glasgow on a Monday night. And I’m right.
The crash barriers from Filipino chain sensation Jollibee’s news-making and completely under siege opening weekend are still on the street, but right now they’re sad, lonely, sprawling and abandoned. The front door clear and inviting.
Imagine radio static and crackle. Pssst, whsst, woohoo, there ain’t nobody here but us chickens. Rodger. Psshhht. We’re going in. Rodger. I push the door and no! People. Ugh. Everywhere. Chaos. Sigh.
Not just one queue but three, no, four. The sort of spilling, milling, politely jostling, completely headless Filippino fried chicken experience that is the stuff of punk-poet John Cooper Clark's nightmares. Evidently Chickentown should be playing right now.
Giant touch-screens spawn their own queues. Up-selling like crazy. Fingers punching while chicken frenzied zombies breathe down the neck.
Yumburger? Eh? Um, oh, ah, no. JollySpaghetti to go with that? Still no.
ChickenJoy? No, yes. Three pieces. Jolly Spaghetti with this? WTF. Still no. Fries? Loaded fries? Chicken Fries. Gravy Fries? Ice Cream fries? Big Bucket Gravy fries?
Spicy Chicken Sandwich? Yes. Tropical Sandwich? Jolly!Hot Dog, yes. Pineapple juice? Yes. Water? Yes. Rice? No. JollySpaghetti! on its own? Arghh OK.
And on it goes until a numbered receipt fires out and we’re in the counter crowd playing chicken bingo on a giant screen. Order Number Six-Five-Seven, a woman bawls. Six-Five-Seven! Again and again.
Jeezo, 657 is in deep trouble, I whisper to Debs, as still nobody shuffles forward.
Seven-oh-eight, then 669, are next from behind a counter where the clearly busy staff are giving off a strong vibe that they already deeply, deeply hate us customers. Twenty minutes pass before I meekly suggest that 695, yes, that’s me, was on the screen as being prepared but has now completely disappeared. And I’m pretty sure that’s it sitting there. Cooling. As it has been for a while.
Fast forward to us climbing the stairs, considering the decor, sort of tired concrete and grubby melamine, finding a table in the crowded room and I’ll say two quick things for Jollibee.
1) They’ve brilliantly managed to recreate in here the run-down and completely scuzzy style of Sauchiehall Street out there
2) I noticed this when Taco Bell opened in similar circumstances. Two or three days down the line and it already feels grubby to me. Tonight at least, tables weren’t being wiped, and debris lay uncleared. High five for authentic bottom of the fast food chain vibes then.
And the food? Words cannot adequately explain the disappointment experienced when the sagging cardboard container is flipped open on the chicken loaded fries box to reveal way, way too much empty space, not enough loading and piling and a sort of dry crunchy, biscuitty experience punctuated with miserable squirty trails of sauce.
The hot dog is at least still warm, looks attractive with melted cheese and some other sauce though tastes kinda rubbery. As for that JollySpaghetti! This was clearly designed for Buddy from the Elf Movie, actually designed by Buddy from the Elf Movie. Syrupy sweet sauce, microscopic hot dog disks, flaccid, bloated pasta.
Still, people come here for the chicken and we’ve got some of that. The chicken sandwich is fine. Crisp, clean, the bread OK. But where’s our gravy? And the ordinary fries? Cue a trip backstairs downstairs. Gravy’s off. Would have been nice to have told us. Like when they told us there’s no water tonight. No water?
At least, there’s the chicken. This seems to be the thing they care most about preparing properly in here. It’s fairly hot, crisp, dry and the coating, a spikey, crunchy thick covering over reasonably moist chicken meat, is good. But it’s otherwise totally bland.
Sigh.
Jollibee Glasgow
59 Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
www.jollibee.uk/glasgow
Menu: Chicken joy! Buckets of it, chicken sandwiches, hotdogs, tenders, Yumburgers! Jolly Spaghetti! From the cultish Filipino fast food chain. 4/5
Service: Chaotic, touch screen up-selling machines hand out receipts with numbers then it’s chicken roulette waiting for your number. Staff look like they hate it. 1/5
Atmosphere: Crowded even on a Monday night but, honestly, pretty good fun to be there though it already looks grubby and tired. 4/5
Price: JollySpaghetti an amazing £5.59. ChickenJoy 3-piece meal plus missing extras (no gravy, no water) £7.49. Par for course. 3/5
Food: Fried chicken is crispy, reasonably freshly made but after that? Bland and unseasoned. Chicken sandwiches OK. Otherwise? Awful. 5/10
17/30
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here