AM I still relevant? You’re asking me if Cinderella still works in 2021 – why I’m prepared to squeeze my feet into highly unsuitable shoes, put on a dress that drawstrings my waist in tighter than a Tetley tea bag – and enlist the help of a fairy-brained old wummin – all in the hope that I’ll bag a prince?

You seriously want to know how I can possibly be a role model for young girls? Well, I want to know why you’re acting dafter than a pantomime cow.

But I’m going to humour you because your male gaze is fixed, and you’re older than some of the routines we trot out year after year.

The truth is I’m an influencer. Okay, there was a time when I was hell-bent on marrying into royalty as a means of escaping endemic poverty, step-sisterly abuse and mental health issues.

Not now. You see, I don’t know the prince is the prince when I meet him. I think he’s Dandini. And the Prince thinks I’m a princess to start with, and when he does find out I’m a schemie, he still fancies me rotten.

And here’s the thing; panto is all about against-all-odds achievement, and there’s no better story than mine. Tell me another tale in which someone manages to scrub up so well and look a million dollars, despite the lockdown belly?

Yes, I got a bit of help along the way, in the form of my Fairy Godmother. But who doesn’t have an auntie – or a godmother – who hasn’t run up a frock on their old Singer, lent them a tenner when skint, or slipped a cheeky wee quarter bottle of Smirnoff into the handbag before the last school dance?

Look, I know there’s a subtext to this interview. Biggins has been mumping his chubby gums again, citing that some pantos have been taking political correctness to an extreme by casting women as Uglies – yet, paradoxically, drag is now a cultural phenomenon.

You’re also going to argue that panto since the 1850s has been at the vanguard of gender fluidity movements, with its role swapping.

Well, to your points first up I’d say, ‘Shut your moany, prehistoric face.’ Secondly, I’d say, ‘Our Uglies this year are women, but the trend was already set by Elaine C. Smith and Barbara Rafferty back when Biggins was wearing a trainer bra.’

Thirdly, I’d say ‘If you want to see Seventies panto, go to the Pavilion.’

Yes, Stanley and Rikki and Jack were hilarious. But aren’t females entitled to look as grotesque as men? Show me a woman at five in the morning after a night on the sauce, with the slap having slid down her face, and you’ll see someone capable of reducing kids to hysterical laughter.

Look, the bottom line in my incredible story is we need to believe our lives can become better, that’s it not just Boris’s mates who get to go to the party. What’s wrong with that?

Cinderella, The King’s Theatre, until January 2.