Westminster sketch: Trouble before Euro football as tubby ultras clash in House of Commons

The Tories cried “Foul!”, but Boris got up gamely and nutmegged his opponent, passing the ball beneath his flapping kilt, before thundering determinedly towards the penalty box until, undone by recent dieting, his shorts started sliding towards his ankles and he tripped over theatrically, hoping for a spot-kick.

Instead, referee Sir Lindsay Hoyle sent him off for diving and indecent exposure.

Indecent exposure is how many people would describe Prime Minister’s Questions, where people of dubious morals and worse hygiene are given a platform from which to spout and froth.

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Still, for worse or worse still, it is Britain’s national debating chamber, where topics of immense national interest are discussed. Accordingly, the forthcoming Euro footer championships came up at Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday.

It all started when the SNP’s Westminster leader, the aforementioned Blackford, appearing in person but thankfully not in a kilt, took the opportunity to wish Scotland well in the tournament. Echoing the slogan of his favourite Hibs team in its fantastic and emotionally uplifting (all right, I’m a fellow devotee) Scottish Cup victory of 2016, he ululated: “It’s time for heroes.”

Prime Minister Johnson took that as his cue and sportingly wished “all the very best” to (shouting it out) “Scotland!”, before adding, “And England”. He wondered if Mr Blackford, who hadn’t mentioned the last named, might reciprocate, which he appeared to do from a sedentary position, prompting Boris to note wryly: “Oh, there you go, very good.”

Alas, the fun, or at least the games, had to stop when the focus changed from international football to international aid. Mr Blackford condemned the “inhumane cuts” to foreign assistance, claiming: “This is a Government on the run from their own moral and legal responsibilities and on the run from their own backbenchers.”

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Mr Johnson, who incidentally looked like he’d taken his hair off and fried it beforehand, advised the Speaker: “You shouldn’t believe the lefty propaganda that you hear from people opposite.”

Mr Johnson retorted: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard the previous Prime Minister, the right honourable member for Maidenhead, called a leftist propagandist.”

This was a reference to Theresa May, her all-blue outfit belying the fact that she has become more or less a communist since leaving office. Perhaps the experience soured her.

Mr Blackford continued sourly about the alleged cuts, before dropping his voice to a dramatic whisper to declare, “People are dying”, and claiming that the Government had “washed their hands” over responsibility for a water project.

The PM described that contribution as “absolutely disgraceful”, and boasted about the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine being supplied internationally, “or does the name ‘Oxford’-AstraZeneca continue to stick in his craw?”

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This seemed petty, and made one wonder if the PM had ever sat down and shared a flagon of Irn Bru with any Scots Nats. They’re the most pro-English people in Scotland and, when you hear anyone bring out that anti-English gambit, you ken immediately that they’re lying or simply know not of what they speak.

Speaking of which, ours was not to know when Sir Keir Starmer, the Labour opposition leader, kicked things off by raising the matter of education policy in England. Sir Keir offered to help Boris “with the numbers” on spending, while Boris retorted that “the right honourable gentleman needs to do the maths”. That was the sum total of the rhetoric.

When Boris brought up Labour’s last election manifesto, Sir Lindsay, the aforementioned referee, intervened “to remind the Prime Minister it is Prime Minister’s Questions. It is not the agenda of the last election”.

The PM retorted: “With due respect, Mr Speaker, I do think I am entitled.” Oh, wait, there was more: “ … to draw attention to what the Labour Party stood on in their last election.”

Whoops. Whatever Labour stood on, it’s never a good idea to stand on the Speaker’s toes. Mind you, Sir Lindsay put his own foot in it shortly afterwards when he referred to Felicity Buchan, the Tory MP for Kensington, as Felicity Kendal, the actress out of The Good Life.

This Buchan quine, born in Fraserburgh, is someone I’ve noticed before but have left unreported as it’s difficult to make out what she’s saying.

Representing a posh English constituency, she has elocuted her accent to such an extent that it’s almost unintelligible. I think she was saying something about “a green graunt” for an environmental project in her constituency.

Still, maybe this is what it takes to get on. Maybe if the Scotland team at the Euros could just make themselves more English, they might stand a chance of winning.

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