Crackpot casting
GLASGOW rock star Bobby Gillespie has rather surprisingly revealed he wants the Italian actress Monica Bellucci to play him if a biographical film is ever made of his life.

Reader Scott Sharp says: “If that sort of flexibility is allowed in the casting process, I’m now eagerly anticipating Meryl Streep as the lead in The Alex Salmond Story.”

Sky’s the limit

WE continue with our tales involving those flighty fellows known as airplane pilots. Stevie Campbell from Hamilton recalls working in the Springburn Caley rail works. A few of the lads were enjoying a skive behind the smiddy, where they were lounging in the sun.

At one point a jet fighter swooped across the sky at an astonishing speed. One of the skivers, a little fellow named Jackie, said: "If you think he's going fast now, just wait till he gets into the countryside."

Watery wisdom

THE Diary isn’t merely a source of delight and entertainment. We also help our readers navigate the choppy waters of existence. We are a lighthouse of wisdom; a beacon shining brightly to aid weary travellers in need of safe harbour from the vagaries and tragedies of life.

For instance, we recently pointed out that it is most unwise to employ an electrician with frizzy hair. In the same manner of helpfulness, George Dale adds: “Never trust a plumber wearing wellies and overalls sponsored by Vileda.”

Fighting talk

OUR recent tale about a well-known communications device inspires David Donaldson to inform us that the French refuse to refer to the contraption in question as a walkie-talkie.

Instead, they call it "un talkie-walkie".

The Diary is left to speculate that perhaps the UK’s recent naval skirmish with the rebellious rabble on the other side of the English Channel had nothing to do with fish. Perhaps it was Blighty’s heroic attempt to bring our mutinous neighbours into line when affixing daft names to gizmos.

Boating badinage

SEAFARING fellow Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie recently told us of an engineer he sailed with who was a most philosophical old salt. Another of this chap’s profound pronouncements was: “Why are we all here? Because we are not all there.”

Honest appraisal

WITH age comes wisdom. But what else does it bring? Reader Jim Hamilton says: “When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest, painstaking work… I am no longer young.”

Pointed question

QUERY of the day comes from reader Gwen Thomas, who asks: “Is a baby porcupine the pre-quill to an adult porcupine?”

Remember when: Those were the days...