Janey Godley: I have decided to launch my own political party

“Can we name the new parties with letters beginning with A, it’s a great idea” said Alice “like after my name?” They giggled and agreed.

“Yes” said the sleekit rabbit “good idea” and they all sat down for tea as they played scabby queen with SNP election leaflets.

So, I have decided to launch my own political party. It will involve big pots of free soup, weekends at the caravan, slosh dancing and women exclusively called Sandra organising the menage and co-op dividends as a currency, men called Frank going round the doors. It will be such fun, we don’t even need to stick by the rules or face any consequences of our actions.

On second thoughts, we must, as I will be a woman in charge of a party, anything that the men do, will be my fault and I must pay the price for that.

We can make up crazy policies like Priti Patel “Freedom to speak out is fundamental” and then create bills that will stop people speaking out, we can spend the public purse on any old s*** and nobody can stop us.

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There will be no flags or thousands of pounds spent on eyebrows, as they are both big news this week.

The UK government has announced that it will start hoisting the union flag over government buildings, every single day said Oliver Dowden to display the ‘Ties that bind us’

Is it an actual rule? Must we be forced to be patriotic or is it just guidance and suggestion? Either way, it smacks of fear.

Flags are a peculiar symbol of ownership and patriotism. I don’t own any flags, never have, but I do have a union flag towel that my wee sausage dog likes to roll about on and a saltire dishcloth which is very absorbent on big pots. Both were gifts.

A lot of people are not happy. Especially from the SNP side of the flag debate.

MP Mhairi Black said “If Tories think an overload of union Jacks on buildings is the answer, it shows how thin the case really is”

The American’s stamping a flag at the moon landing was there to show the world that it now belonged to the USA. 

To me a flag can symbolise a sense of insecurity, it's like you need to show “your colours” to display your sense of belonging to a group and maybe that’s not a bad thing if it doesn’t dominate your identity.

Boris’s decision to fly union flags across Scotland to instil a sense of unity might just backfire. It’s as if the Tories really can’t read the room. Some people in Scotland get upset when they see union flags on Scottish produce, it’s a sense of colonialism to many people, stealing their identity, even if it's purely through agricultural means. Many folk see it as denying Scottish advancement.

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The union flag has become an incendiary talking point. You see it flown at Far-Right rallies in UK, it’s been associated and hijacked by football teams and many people online have discovered that racists trolls use it in their profiles. It’s a trigger on social media, the majority of hate, abuse and death threats I have personally received come from men with union flags all over their pages. That’s not fair to the people who proudly love Britain and enjoy their flags, they aren’t flag bangers, but they get lumped in with the rest of them.

It seems some Tory MPs are in a secret competition to see who can display the biggest amount of union flags in their zoom meetings, much to the hilarity of people on social media. Laughing at union flag displays became an item on the news, where a journalist had to apologise for liking a tweet mocking a man and his flag. That’s a scary situation and something that smacks of a dictatorship. “DO NOT MOCK OUR FLAGS” seriously? What’s next? Synchronised marching with tanks?

If Boris cared as much for the pay scale of the NHS as he did for flags, this country would have less anger in it. I think the next step is, we go out and clap for the flags every Monday night at 8pm to show solidarity to our dear leader.

Eyebrows are HUGE this week in the news as it seems ‘someone’ in UK government spent £77,000 on an eyebrow specialist. That’s a lot of plucking, threading and grooming for two strips of hair above your eyeballs. Who was providing the service and how can they charge that much? I would offer to go round with a magnifying mirror and a pair of good tweezers for at least £50, that’s when rules allow us to go near people’s eyelids.

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It’s a bad day when Downing street has to admit this kind of spending when people’s jobs and lives are decimated.

It’s worse when you see how much as been spent on diet consultants, hair grooming and Primark, then Johnson walks out looking like a haunted scarecrow who can’t get trousers to fit him. If we are paying for these kinds of services then I want to see results of my hard-earned tax pounds.

I assume Rees Mogg has his nanny to dress and groom him, so surely someone can take a hot flannel and good steam press to Johnson and see if we can smarten him up, it wouldn’t take 77K worth of work to sort him out.

I think Boris should go the whole hog and dye his hair red, white and blue and be decked out in a full union jack three-piece suit and give us all something to be proud of. And to laugh at.