Beaming the broadest of smiles, Megan Baillie held a cocktail glass in her hand, toasted the camera and looked for all the world like she could not be happier.
It was Christmas 2019, Megan was 21 years old and full of life. She’d graduated from college, was enjoying her job and, says her sister, there was no hint as to what might lie ahead.
Within a few months, Megan would be among a disturbing number of young Scots women who become so overwhelmed by depression and negative thoughts, that they go on to make a serious attempt on their own lives.
Now, ten months later, Megan – a livewire who could light up a room with her smile - is still in hospital in Edinburgh, miles from her family’s North Ayrshire home. Her brain is damaged in three places, she is blind and there are fears she may never walk again. From being a joyful joker described as the “life and soul” of CalMac’s MV Isle of Mull ferry where she worked, she now faces the likelihood of a lifetime of having to be cared for by others.
Next week singer Demi Lovato’s documentary Dancing with the Devil is due to arrive on YouTube. In it, she discusses the impact of her own 2018 overdose, which led to three strokes, a heart attack causing permanent brain damage and blind spots in her vision.
It’s a hidden aspect of suicide, says Megan’s sister Lauren, which has a massive impact on the lives of her family and friends.
“When you hear that someone has survived a suicide attempt, you think they’re okay, that fortunately they have survived and they’ll go back to the way they were,” she says.
“You don’t hear about people attempting suicide and then ending up the way Megan is now.
“I don’t think people realise that this is an outcome of a suicide attempt as well.”
Scotland’s suicide rate is the highest in the UK: there were 833 probable suicides registered in Scotland in 2019, an increase from 784 in 2018 – a 6% rise.
Men are around three times more likely to take their own lives than women in the UK, however, there is mounting concern over rising female rates, and the number of young people dying by suicide.
In 2019, 33 women aged 15 to 24 died by suicide in Scotland, nine more than the previous year. And in countries such as South Korea, Japan, America and Australia, the suicide rate among young women is rocketing.
“We consider ourselves as among the lucky ones - we’re lucky because she is still here,” says Lauren. “But she’s not Megan as she was.
“We continue to hope and pray that her progress continues and that she will one day be able to see and walk again.”
To raise awareness of mental health, around 40 of Megan’s CalMac colleagues have formed Megan’s Miles and are each carrying out 126 miles of exercise – representing the distance between CalMac’s Oban terminal and the Edinburgh hospital where she is being treated. Donations will go to the Scottish Association for Mental Health.
While at the end of March, McCaig’s Tower in Oban will be lit up in a colourful tribute to the colleague they have described as “the life and soul of the boat”.
Lauren, who has not been able to visit her sister in hospital since October due to Covid restrictions, remembers her being upbeat and happy just hours before she tried to take her own life.
Later, as she searched for reasons behind what happened, she found heart wrenching notes on Megan’s phone which revealed how low she had become in the period leading up to events at the family home in Stevenston, in May 19, last year.
She remembers ambulance and medical staff at Crosshouse Hospital using CPR for 90 minutes in a desperate battle to save Megan’s life.
“It felt like forever. I can’t even explain how horrible it was, waiting to find out if she was alive or not,” she says.
“When they finally told us they got her heart started again it was amazing. Then they said they were very worried about how long her heart had stopped for, and that it could mean significant brain damage.”
Megan suffered a hypoxic brain injury caused by the lack of oxygen to the brain for an hour and a half. She needed kidney dialysis, her liver function was affected and the trauma to her brain caused seizures which meant she had to remain under heavy sedation in intensive care.
“We would Facetime every day and chat to her, but she would never focus or speak back,” says Lauren. “We didn't know at the time that she had lost her eyesight.
“Doctors told us she wouldn’t be able to walk, talk and would need 24-hour residential medical care for the rest of her life.”
After seven weeks, Megan was transferred to Edinburgh’s Astley Ainslie hospital which specialises in rehabilitation care for people with brain injuries.
She has defied original fears that she would not be able to talk again, and while her memory has been affected, she has learned to recognise family and friends.
Recently she managed to stand up with the help of a physiotherapist and while holding a pole.
Lauren, 27, who now lives in Irvine, adds: “The worst part is that she was in the room next to me when it happened. That she felt she couldn’t talk to me, and not being able to visit her in hospital, have been the hardest.
“I couldn’t sleep at night for wondering if I could have done more. I’d think about it every wee argument we ever had - you think about the bad times not the good times.
“I wish she’d spoken to me and just said ‘this is the way I’m feeling’. We’d have made sure she got help.”
On average, two people a day die in Scotland due to suicide. Samaritans Scotland Executive Director, Rachel Cackett, has called for political leaders to put mental health and wellbeing at the top of the nation’s post-pandemic recovery, with a fully funded 10-year suicide prevention strategy.
Meanwhile, the National Suicide Prevention Leadership Group (NSPLG), an independent group established by the Scottish Government, is in the process of establishing a range of new measures drawn up from input from people directly impacted by suicide, academics and other professionals.
It includes specialist bereavement pilot projects in Ayrshire and Arran, and the Highlands which aim to help families thrown into the trauma of loss due to suicide.
There are also plans for a new approach to investigating suicide deaths and new practices so emergency responders can be more involved in easing people in crisis into the healthcare process.
However, last month a Scottish Government survey which looked at the mental health impact of the pandemic showed concern that it had prompted a rise in suicidal thoughts, particularly among young men.
“It’s a crisis, suicide needs to be talked about,” adds Lauren.
“Too many young lives are being lost, people with their whole lives ahead of them. Their families are left, and everyone’s lives are ruined because of it.
“The devastation that it causes is heart breaking.”
Robbie Drummond, Managing Director of CalMac, said: “Mental health issues touch so many of us and Megan’s friends and colleagues have really pulled together to support her during this difficult time.
“I am personally so proud of all of my colleagues who are going that extra mile to show Megan that she is loved.
"The people who are taking part in Megan’s Miles are supporting and inspiring each other every day of the campaign, and it is wonderful to watch them working together to strengthen their own mental health too.”
Donate at www.justgiving.com/fundraising/megansmarchmiles Samaritans can be contacted free on 116 123.
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