Silent running
ANOTHER vignette of everyday life in that most suave and sophisticated of global cities, Glasgow. David Donaldson drove to the supermarket late in the afternoon to stock up on provisions and was surprised to find the car park almost empty. The store wasn’t busy either.
"I've never seen it so quiet," he observed at the checkout.
The woman in a visor serving him promptly replied: "Scozraweansizwentbacktaeskill."
Our correspondent, being adept at translating the recherche language of the native Glaswegian, concluded that lockdown had been eased to allow children to return to their former occupation of abusing and terrifying members of the teaching profession.
Tarmac and tears
CONCERNED reader Alan Potter gets in touch to say he was sorry to read about the recent accident on the M74, where a lorry spilled its cargo of onions.
He adds: “Presumably the emergency services went looking for a hard shoulder to cry on.”
Hard to swallow
A RESTAURANT story in the Diary reminds George MacDougall from Edinburgh of his first trip to Paris in 1950. Happy to leave ration book Britain far behind, he and a chum visited a plush eatery in swanky Montmartre.
Our correspondent was delighted to spot steak on the menu, and indulged himself in the meaty treat.
“That’s the best bit of beef I’ve ever eaten,” he told his pal, who raised a quizzical eyebrow.
“That wasn’t beef,” he said. “It was horse.”
Licking lockdown
WE’RE devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to promote local businesses once lockdown ends.
Carl Williamson from Largs believes the famous ice-cream parlour in his hometown should be celebrated by adapting a popular ABBA song, which would now be known as Super Scooper.
Going nuts
NIFTY nicknames continued. David Russell from Penicuik tells us that in the 1970s the South Side Division of the Edinburgh Police Force had a Chief Inspector called George who reinforced his refusals of requests by saying: “Ah, nut nut nut nut nut.”
Geordie Nut Nut soon gained the nickname The Rear Gunner.
Spot the difference
WE recently quoted the theme tune of the classic western High Noon. Reader Colin Findlay wonders if we got the lyrics wrong, adding: “Given the sugar and fat content of a certain popular treat, I always believed the words were: ‘Doughnuts cause acne, oh my darling.’”
Smells peculiar
CONFUSED reader Sam Martin is trying to sniff out the truth regarding a linguistic conundrum, and asks: “Which letter is silent in the word ‘scent’? Is it the S or the C?”
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