Letter-perfect
WHEN you are a windswept and interesting broadcaster such as Neil Oliver, mail tends to reach you, even when the sender isn’t entirely sure of your precise location.
The postman recently brought Neil a letter addressed to:
"Scottish Bloke With Long Hair,
Hangs Around Coastal Regions,
Stirling,
Scotland."
Elizabeth aarrgh
BBC 4 is broadcasting repeats of the classic drama Elizabeth R, first televised 50 years ago.
The six-part series follows the trials and travails of the Tudor monarch Elizabeth the First of England, played by a young Glenda Jackson. At various times in her life she is imprisoned, lied to, betrayed in love and plotted against by the monarchs of France, Spain and even her own courtiers.
Reader Maureen Clarke’s enjoyment of the show was interrupted when her husband turned to her and said: “You think Elizabeth is having a rough time now? Wait till Oprah turns up.”
Biblical blooper
NIFTY nicknames continued. When John Mulholland was a schoolboy he once participated in a religious education lesson which focused on the dilemma faced by Pontius Pilate, who asked the crowd to decide which prisoner to free at the Passover Feast.
“If you were in the crowd that day, who would you have set free?” asked the teacher.
“Jesus!” shouted 29 voices in unison.
Though one boy, perhaps misunderstanding the question, expressed rather loudly his support for the other prisoner.
For the next five years of secondary education the poor chap was known simply as Barabbas.
Food for thought
VISITING a restaurant many years ago, reader Tony Grant overheard a customer at a nearby table being asked how he would like his steak.
“Just like winning an argument with my wife,” replied the chap.
The waiter nodded knowingly, then said: “Rare it is, sir.”
Trading on tunes
OUR correspondents are devising advertising jingles, based on famous songs, to support local businesses and kickstart the economy when lockdown ends.
Tom Bain believes The Beach Boys should be hired to promote the neighbourhood joiner by singing: “Wooden It Be Nice.”
Screaming with delight
STIRLING University professor Christine Ferguson is feeling fulfilled. “Finally,” she sighs. “After decades in academia, I am able to include in my syllabus the one thing that is 100% responsible for both my entire career as a scholar and adult romantic choices: Carry On Screaming.”
All for one...
WE’RE assuming former Celtic player Chris Sutton isn’t being entirely sincere when he says on social media: “Well done to Steven Gerrard and Rangers on a brilliant season, and one in a row.”
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