NICOLA Sturgeon said that finding out about claims against Alex Salmond was a “moment in my life that I will never forget" as she faced questions over whether she broke the ministerial code.
The First Minister is subject to an independent investigation, being led by James Hamilton into whether her actions were a breach of the ministerial code.
Ms Sturgeon told MSPs about Mr Salmond coming to her house in April 2018 to show her a letter from permanent secretary Leslie Evans about the Scottish Government probe into her former mentor.
She said that the document contained "distressing and upsetting details", adding that reading this letter was “a moment in my life that I will never forget.".
The First Minister also stressed that Mr Salmond’s account of the claims against him, which he denies, included "deeply inappropriate behaviour on his part", despite making clear he was cleared of all criminality.
Refuting claims she wanted to bring Mr Salmond down, Ms Sturgeon insisted that the thought of the allegations being made public “made me feel physically sick”.
She added: “I had nothing to gain from it and only a lot of pain and grief associated with it.”
Ms Sturgeon was pressed over whether she broke the ministerial code after she met with Mr Salmond’s former chief of staff, Geoff Aberdein on March 31, a meeting she did not disclose immediately to officials – before meeting Mr Salmond three days later.
The First Minister said she feared if she had disclosed the meeting she would have “compromised the independence, and the privacy, the confidentiality, of the process” as she was not meant to be part of that investigation.
READ MORE: Recap: Nicola Sturgeon gives crucial evidence to Salmond committee
She added: “I have agonised over every decision and every step I took in this process. I have searched my soul on this on a personal level, a political level, a government level.
“On that particular decision I did not intervene, I did not try influence this process. If I had picked up the phone or told the civil service I knew, my worry was that that act in itself might have been influencing the process because suddenly you have got civil servants thinking, even just subliminally, thinking ‘what does she think we should be doing about this?’
“I have to be able to satisfy myself that I did the things that I thought were right at the time as well as I could, and that is what I have thought a lot about. I believe I am sitting here saying I think I reached the best judgments I could.”
The First Minister said she had forgotten about the initial meeting as the bombshell encounter with Mr Salmond “obliterated” her memory of the previous interaction with Mr Aberdein.
Ms Sturgeon said that she had been told by Mr Aberdein “in general terms” that there had been “harassment-type allegations” made about Mr Salmond, but not the detail of the claims before he arrived at her house days later.
Tory MSP Murdo Fraser highlighted the First Minister initially not remembering about the meeting with Mr Aberdein, warning that he was "struggling to believe the story that you just forgot about this meeting".
Ms Sturgeon said that "rightly or wrongly", she understands that "people can be sceptical about that" but suggested the meeting with Mr Salmond is what sticks in her mind, given the details of allegations about him she was told about.
Independent MSP Andy Wightman pressed the First Minister over a commitment made by her in the forward of the ministerial code to lead by example in following the letter and spirit of the code.
Ms Sturgeon stressed she attempts to meet those standards, adding that "it is for others to judge whether I fail or succeed".
She added: "I take very seriously the obligations and the privileges and everything that comes with this job.
"For me, the office of first minister and all that comes with that is bigger and more important than any individual incumbent of it."
The First Minister told MSPs that she was “dealing with complicated emotions” when “the man that I had worked with been friends with in my earlier years", had just told her "something pretty shocking".
She told the committee that she feels let down by Mr Salmond, insisting that what happened is “a matter of deep personal pain and regret to me”.
Ms Sturgeon suggested that at the meeting with her former colleague, Mr Salmond attempted to get her to intervene in the investigation to "effectively persuade the permanent secretary to agree to a process of mediation".
READ MORE: Nicola Sturgeon denies wanting to 'get' Alex Salmond
She stressed that she didn’t think it was appropriate for her to intervene.
“Had I intervened … I would have felt I was effectively colluding with him to try to thwart the direction and the natural course of the investigation. and I think that would have been a heinous, egregious breach of my position”, she said.
Mr Salmond’s account of events claims that she had given the impression that she was willing to step in.
But Ms Sturgeon told the committee that “I did make it clear I would not intervene”.
She added: “I also know, that I was perhaps trying to let a long-standing friend and colleague down gently and maybe I did it too gently and he left with an impression I did not intend to give him.
“I think I was clear, and certainly intended to be clear.”
The First Minister was asked by Mr Fraser about when Ms Sturgeon decided people “shouldn’t believe a word” Mr Salmond was saying after such a long-standing trusting relationship and asked her whether she would apologise for having previously told the public they should trust the former first minister.
READ MORE: Alex Salmond lodges formal complaint over alleged leak of woman's name
Ms Sturgeon said: “I trusted him and I am not going to apologise for the behaviour of somebody else.
“I do not think it’s reasonable to ask me to apologise for the behaviour of Alex Salmond.
“I think the only person who should apologise for behaviour on his part – which he was asked to do on Friday and failed to do – is Alex Salmond.”
The First Minister was also pressed by Labour MSP Jackie Baillie over why, given what she knew about Mr Salmond, she met with him again on June 7 and for the final time around July 13.
Ms Sturgeon stressed that part of her “was still concerned about him", adding that "I still felt, despite everything, a loyalty to him".
She added: "That's what I made these decisions."
"People will have to decide whether I was right or wrong."
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