As imagined by Brian Beacom

I’M NOT trying to suggest I’m a clairvoyant, but I know the question you’re about to ask me: why am I having an Indian summer of a career? Yes, in my own soft and gentle style I am having a riot.

Now, I appreciate yesterday’s inquiry was mostly about dull detail. Big Eck’s hands were tied tighter than an S&M dungeon subscription member. But the Salmond debacle has allowed me the chance to become reborn after 22 years as an average MSP. Now, I am the sweet voice of reason. I am the calm call for democracy. I am The Jackie.

Didn’t you love the delivery of my question to Alex Salmond about the Permanent Secretary’s behaviour? Wasn’t it pure Maggie Smith-Miss Jean Brodie, the way in which I led him to the well? And my little remark about not seeing his documents that we’d asked for twice. Subtle, eh?

Now, who would have thought there would be an upside to watching the concept of democracy being thrown under a bus, the realisation we live in a one-party state? Well, as a member of the Labour Party which ruled Scotland for almost 50 years, I know exactly what I’m talking about.

And hasn’t this past pandemic year been a breath of fresh air? First Minister’s Questions has given me a great opportunity to score lots of points, the likes of the PPE failure in Scotland.

I also had a great time complaining to the BBC that the First Minister – fast becoming as unpopular as Gordon Ramsay in Falkirk – was using her virus updates as a political platform. She was almost saying: ‘Once we get independence, the people of Scotland will automatically become immune to all viral attacks. We may even not feel midgie bites. And our weans won’t get nits.’

And I had a smashing time throwing questions at the FM about her five-month memory loss, when she ‘forgot’ about being alerted to allegations against her old boss.

Yes, I am The Jackie. But I’m not playing Lady Gaga politics here. I’m not simply asking for the return of the dog. I want those who shot the dog walker in the chest to be held to account.

Now, I also know your second question. If I’m so good, and clearly my private school education in Windermere has given me a unique insight into what working class people in Scotland crave, why am I not standing as Labour leader tomorrow, going up against Monica whatshername and thingummy?

Well, I’m not a total diddy. We’re going through our seventh leader in 14 years. I was once sacked by Richard Leonard only to be re-hired again. The poison chalice concept hasn’t been laid out so well since Macbeth Act One, Scene Seven.

But I’m loving the role of the gentle grenade lobber. Expect more lobbing on Wednesday in the direction of Donna Sturgeone, head of MacMafia. ‘Mon and tell the truth, Nicola!’