Paesano at Home
Glasgow
OKAY, there’s a blizzard. A real one. On Miller Street in Glasgow. And one particular fat fool in a business suit is standing on the street, in that blizzard, literally following the instructions on the sign on a glass door.
It says: do NOT enter – wait here – someone will come out. Except nobody is coming out. The people inside are looking out. But definitely not coming out.
And did I mention it's a blizzard. And this suit may be finest quality polyester and, therefore completely snow-proof but it’s not warm. And now there’s a Deliveroo cyclist too. And we’re looking at each other.
Here’s the funny thing. He’s probably here to collect the Cook-At-Home pizzas I have ordered from this very restaurant and to deliver them to me. Not at my home, but at the door of this very restaurant. But we don’t realise this complete absurdity right now.
We won't realise it until long after someone comes to the door and says we didn’t hear you ring the bell. To which I will reply a) that sign doesn’t mention any bell and b) what bell?
And then that person will point to another sign, a soggy blue bit of paper round the corner, nowhere near the door, and say: this sign. And that bell.
At which point I will turn to the delivery person and say: Did you see that?
And he will reply: Nope. And the person at the door will say: But we don’t do collection anyway.
Aargh, now there will be a long fafforama, receipts sought on phones, and it will be suggested the pizzas I ordered, and paid for, to be collected at 14.55, through Uber Eats, may never have been properly ordered, and can therefore never be collected.
Though now there is another delivery person here and he has confirmed he is here to collect my pizzas from 100 Miller St and to deliver my pizzas to 100 Miller Street.
Sigh. Did I mention it’s snowing?
The pizzas turn out to be inside after all, it’s all some mad app glitch and after confirming the delivery guy will get paid anyway (by me) I get in my car with my pizzas in boxes and slither home through half-deserted streets, my mind full of restless delivery boys on wobbling bicycles, padded boxes loaded with pizzas.
Given almost everything that can go wrong has already gone wrong I’m wondering what a Paesano Cook at Home pizza is actually going to be like. A bag of flour and some tomatoes, a doughy ball and a rolling pin?
Answers, it turns out, are on a postcard. One that’s in the bag and says: put in a pre-heated oven for 5 mins at 230 degrees then eat.
Yes, they’re not just pre-fired, but precooked and topped and, apart from a tub of parmesan, ready to roll.
So we follow the instructions, fully expecting the sugo to have soaked in, the juices to have run and the whole thing to be completely awful.
READ MORE: The Hitlist: Scottish food and drink boxes you can enjoy at home
Frankly, it isn’t. Paesano, as you probably know already, has a justified reputation for making excellent Neapolitan-style pizzas, with proper ingredients and selling them at, and this is the really important bit, bargain prices.
The first time I visited Paesano, I had just returned from Naples and eating the famous four Euro pizzas at Da Michelle. I expected these to be rubbish. They weren’t.
Tonight, after unwrapping, firing in that hot oven, plating, tapping the bases (crisp and dry) squeezing the crusts, (springy and seared) and trying some slices? They’re very good. Chewy dough, righteously seasoned, too.
The toppings? We have melanzane, which is sweet and soft, pepperoni (the sauteed peppers not the American gristle), smokey pancetta and even smokier scamorza. There’s a burrata on the side with proper basil leaves (£6), balsamic onions too (£3).
We finish it just as an email from Uber Eats pings in: Your pizza could not be delivered. Your money will be refunded. Uh?
Paesano at Home
100 Miller Street
Glasgow
Order from: Uber Eats or Deliveroo
Menu: Proper Italian ingredients. Spianata salami, ricottas, pancettas and scamorzas, almost fully cooked the Neapolitan way, for you to finish off at home. 5/5
Service: This was an Uber Eats app disaster and Paesano do not do collection from the restaurant apparently, hence the fandango but I’m assuming it’s a one off. 3/5
Atmosphere: Just me and the delivery drivers out in the snow. Tell you what: it looks like a tough life being one of those delivery kids. 3/5
Price: Most pizzas £9. It’s the same price delivered hot or delivered for you to finish off yourself – and there’s not much finishing off. It’s quality pizza and worth it. 5/5
Food: They turn out a pizza that’s pretty much totally pre-cooked yet still tastes good after a five-minute flash in a home oven. Could easily become a thing. 8/10
24/30
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