An alias, alas

YEARS ago, reader Jenny Muir from Linlithgow had a work colleague who always talked about her friend Peggy, who wore numerous rings on her fingers.

After months of persistently hearing about this lady, Jenny bumped into her colleague sitting in a coffee shop chatting to a lady adorned with many rings.

“You must be Peggy,” said our reader. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

It was indeed the lady in question, though as she heatedly explained, her name wasn’t Peggy, and she had never been called anything like that to her face.

It transpired that the irate woman was the owner of a prosthetic leg.

Fabulously fem

GENDER fluidity is a much discussed topic, especially amongst the younger generation, as Pauline Brown from Shawlands discovered when she strolled into the garden to admire the creation her seven-year-old daughter had made from the snow.

Our reader was surprised to discover her daughter had somehow nabbed one of mum’s bras and hooked it round the feminine figure she had sculpted.

“Look mum,” giggled the little girl. “My snowman’s no a man.”

Facing the music

IN the 1970s, reader Robert Groves worked in McCormack's music shop in Glasgow. One day a young fellow and his mother came in. The lad wanted a guitar and had very specific requirements regarding a Fender Strat or Gibson. His mum, not so musically minded, ambled round the shop saying: "What about that nice yellow one? Oh, there's a lovely red one!"

The scarlet-faced rocker turned to Robert and hissed under his breath: "See maws? Maws should be shot.”

Trip or trap?

FALKIRK Council are keen to hear about local people’s travel habits since the pandemic began and are offering the chance to win shopping vouchers to those who complete a survey on the subject.

Reader Rob Peterson, who lives in the town, says he can describe his travel habits in a few brief words:

“Voyage to the end of the living room. Quest to the kitchen. Expedition up stairs. Bed. Repeat indefinitely.”

Cards for cad

FOOLHARDY Stevie Campbell from Hamilton made the fatal mistake of asking his wife to remind him to buy two Valentine's Day cards this week.

“A somewhat quiet and lonely weekend in lockdown now seems likely,” sighs Stevie.

Gritty goings on

WE continue devising literary names for the gritters currently doing such sterling work across ice-bound Scotland. Reader David Donaldson suggests:

The Great Gritsby.

Fahrenheit 32.

Monky business

SPIRITUALLY minded reader Tod Hobart says: “I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk but I never got the chants.”