Cliff’s notes

VERA Lynn, who died this week, wasn’t just a talented performer. The forces’ sweetheart had the ability to summon up feelings of nostalgia in the soldiers to whom she often sang. Sometimes that nostalgia was for things the soldiers may not even have seen, such as the White Cliffs of Dover.

In the spirit of the well-loved singer, we now cast a sentimental eye over the Diary’s very own White Cliffs. In other words, we’ve got some classic tales for you. Such as the reader who once asked why do aircraft toilets have frosted windows?

Bus(t) up

THERE’S no smoke without ire. A lover of cigarettes once told us of the time he huddled from the rain in a bus shelter in Glasgow’s Renfrew Street back in the day. As the smoke drifted across the other people in the shelter, one chap snarled: “This is a no smoking bus shelter.” Our reader had already stubbed out his fag before he realised there’s no such thing.

Mistaken identity

STRANGE are the conversations of tourists. A couple were in a tourist information office on Skye, planning the next stage of their Scottish tour. Looking at the racks of leaflets, the chap said to his partner: “Have you ever been to Plockton?” She didn’t think so, which made her partner add: “It’s beautiful. It’s where they filmed Hamish Macbeth.” To which the young lady replied: “Nah, I don’t fancy that. I’m no really into Shakespeare.”

Reel difficulty

THE Irish boy-band Reel played an acoustic set in Glasgow once, though one band member almost didn’t make it. Larging it up in a bar the night before, the quintet attracted many admiring glances, although not always for the right reasons. “I was at the bar acting ice cool,” said band member Philip Gargan, “when a girl approached and said I was on fire. Thinking it was a chat-up line, I decided to move in, only for her to say, “No, you really are on fire.” The hapless Irishman looked behind him only to discover that his new, waxed coat, freshly trailed over a set of candles, was ablaze.

Control’s remote

THE cashier in a busy department store couldn’t help noticing that a woman customer rummaging in her bag for her purse brought out a television remote control. She asked the shopper why she was carrying it.

“Because my husband refused to come shopping with me,” said the shopper. “Now I smile every time I think of him trying to cope without it.”

Testing times

AN Ayrshire chap described the circumstances in which he failed his driving test. The examiner asked him if he could remember the first sign he’d seen on leaving the test centre. “Yes,” replied our eager candidate, “it was ‘Strawberries £2 a punnet’.”

Name game

AN Aberdeen woman had just given birth, and the nurse cradling the baby in her arms asked what she intended to call it. “Nathan,” replied the mother, prompting the nurse to squawk: “Bit you’ve got tae call it something…”

Something’s fishy

OVERHEARD in a Linwood supermarket. A man perusing a can of ‘dolphin friendly’ tuna tells his wife: “Get this wan. Thur’s nae dolphins in it.”