Hot air

ACADEMICS. They thrive on debate. Reader Brian McGeachan was strolling past Glasgow University recently when he spotted an upbeat message on the Student Union building: “A smile can travel two metres.”

Less inspiring was the riposte chalked beneath, most likely written by one of those black polo neck wearing existentialists so prevalent in our institutes of higher learning.

“So can a fart,” it read.

Tall tale

A HISTORY lesson from reader Sandy Tuckerman. “The hero of the Battle of Trafalgar was a diminutive figure only five feet tall,” explains Sandy. “The statue in London honouring him is fifteen feet high. That’s Horatio of three to one.”

Tragic development

IT’S not widely known that a certain newspaper was read in Shakespeare’s day, says Christine Brooks, though the clues are available in one of the Bard’s greatest tragedies, when Macbath says: “I ‘gin to be aweary of The Sun.”

“Presumably Macbeth went on to read The Herald instead,” concludes Christine.

What a racket

PLAYING tennis with his wife Pat proved to be an ordeal for reader John King. Pat complained that the game would be more fun if a net wasn’t involved. Another improvement would be if the pesky ball vanished. Furthermore she didn’t like the inconvenience of schlepping a racket round court.

“Anything else that would make it better?” an exasperated John enquired.

“Yes,” said Pat. “Tennis could do without me.”

She promptly stormed off court, leaving the net, the ball, the racket and John to enjoy themselves without her interfering presence.

Daffy doc

“I TOLD my doctor I’d broken my arm in two places,” says Keith Benton. “He told me to stop going to those places.”

Breathless skills

THE wife of Jack Price has used an asthma inhaler all her adult life though she still has trouble recalling its medical name. “When she gets breathless she says she’ll use her Scooshy McWhatsit,” explains Jack, who adds: “I always think that sounds like a 1950s Scottish footballer. He probably played on the wing and was nifty when it came to delivering crosses into the box.”

Clouding their judgement

IN a philosophical mood, Tom Fleming notes that people are always gazing at the sky and marvelling at how much the clouds resemble some sort of object or animal. “Yet nobody ever spots how much clouds look like clouds,” says Tom. “Maybe people just aren’t that observant.”

Torpor over Tolstoy

ALTHOUGH he loves classical literature, Fred Nielson says he never wanted to read War and Peace. “It sounds like it starts off eventfully then tails off,” he explains, adding: “War And War. Now that would be a book with some proper action.”