Ta ta talk

THERE have always been a variety of cheesy chat-up lines to pull a partner. Reader Alan Moers (currently single) says he’s an expert at devising break-up lines instead. They include: “Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.” Also the heart-warming: “Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?”

Heavy lifting

WE continue with our run of stories overheard at football matches. A Cathcart reader recalls watching an amateur game when the goalie, a burly bloke, missed the ball. Someone in the stands yelled: “If it was a pie, you’d have caught it.'"

Safety-conscious saint

ONLY a day late (d’oh!) and reader Cath Miller has come up with a St Patrick’s Day joke. “What did St Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?” she asks. The answer is, of course: “Everyone got seatbelts on back there?”

Netflix and chilling

THIS week David Donaldson found evidence his wife had been up all night fretting about world events. On the kitchen table was a notebook with a list of Netflix movies to watch during the couple’s period of self-isolation. The films included: The Day After Tomorrow (disaster flick), Home Alone (trapped in the house flick) and Groundhog Day (every day is the same as the last flick).

Clearly David’s wife should steer clear of movies and listen to innocent pop music instead. For instance, REM have a catchy little number called It’s The End Of The World As We Know It.

Jungle japes

LEAVING the theatre after a recent production of The Lion King, reader Gordon Williams spotted a young lad complaining to his mother about the show. “But it’s not right,” the boy moaned to mum. “It’s meant to be called The Lying King, but he only ever told the truth.”

Bottling it

STORMING the aisles in an East Kilbride Aldi, Terry McGeary caught the end of an exchange between two women: "If the schools are shut, I'll be stocking up on wine," sighed one of them. Terry didn’t stick around to find out if the wine was to soak up the poor lady’s sorrows, or to keep the kids quenched and quelled.

Hardware hilarity

ENTERING a hardware store recently, reader Norman Brown asked the woman behind the counter if she could recommend something for cleaning surfaces in his bathroom. “Ammonia cleaner,” she replied.

“Sorry,” said Norman. “I thought you worked here.”

Cackling’s catching

“I TRIED to make a coronavirus joke a while back” says Denis Cain. “At first nobody laughed, then everybody got it.”

Read more: Clement Attlee on the campaign trail in Scotland, 1955