BY now you are probably familiar with the work of Lewis Capaldi. Chart-topping singing sensation, Chewbacca mask-wearing joker, owner of a wacky glasses collection to rival Sir Elton John, the guy who rocked up to the Brits the other week clutching a bottle of Buckfast.
You may be thinking: what kind of place shapes and moulds a man like this? Well, that would be the mighty West Lothian.
Now I realise that, for many people, West Lothian is merely the stretch of the M8 between Edinburgh and Glasgow where you put your foot down on the accelerator and speed right through. Stop and walk with me – a daughter of West Lothian – for a few moments.
West Lothian's most famous export was once shale oil, now it is ever-so-slightly oddball singers (alongside Capaldi, we gave the world Susan Boyle). There must be something in the water. Or the Buckfast. Why tourist chiefs haven't seized upon this as a marketing slogan I have no idea.
Other famous bods include Bathgate-born obstetrician Sir James Young Simpson who pioneered chloroform's anaesthetic properties in 1847. Lesser known is its initial discovery by David Waldie, a Linlithgow chemist who alerted Simpson. Still, what's a place in the history books between friends?
West Lothian boasts the king of Scotland's New Towns. Sit down, East Kilbride. Haud yer wheesht, Cumbernauld. I mean Livingston. Which has a roundabout (actually it has a lot of roundabouts) on its outskirts named after Lizzie Brice, a 19th-century legend from nearby Mid Calder who lived to 89.
How tough are the people here? After Thatcher dealt the death knell to our industry and the area's last coal mine, Polkemmet Colliery, closed in 1986, its legacy was a toxic bing that smelled of farts and rotten eggs. Depending on the prevailing winds, the scent wafted for miles. We soldiered on.
We take salt and watery brown sauce on our chips. Pronounce seven and 11 in sing-song way that can't be matched. And proffer a UFO hotspot often overlooked in favour of Bonnybridge.
The big horn at the side of the M8 near Whitburn that looks like something from the Teletubbies? They may tell you it's a public art installation by Dalziel and Scullion but mark my words, it's not.
As the end of the world looms, it will play a tune palpable only to the ears of those who hail from West Lothian. We will hasten home from every corner of the globe to rise up and defeat our robot overlords. You're welcome.
Over the years I've lived in different cities, countries and even continents, but I'll always be proud of my roots. I didn't choose the West Lothian life; the West Lothian life chose me.
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