Let's have lifetime bans for gobby cinema and theatre goers

"I'm hungry now. I'm hungry now."

There is some rustling. "No. I don't like Hula Hoops. I want something else."

More rustling. A bit of shuffling. "Do you hear her? Honestly, I've had to put up with this all day. Since first thing this morning. 'I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry.'"

Unfortunately, I've been having to put up with this relentless whining and grumbling since the very beginning of the performance, a performance I have been looking forward to for months.

A lifelong Scottish Ballet fan, I have been desperate to see the new production of the Snow Queen, especially given its extraordinary reviews, and the day has finally dawned.

The curtain rises, the orchestra begins and here are the young Snow Queen and her sister, the Summer Princess, in the middle of the stage.

"Ha! I forgot it's the ballet. I keep thinking we're at the pantomime," says one of the women behind us. Great, you've got that out of your system. Can we have a bit of shush now?

Nope, it turns out that the pantomime is the level we're set at.

"When will it start?" says one of the kids. Hate to break it to you, chum, but it's been going for the past 10 minutes.

"When will they stop dancing?" Oh pal, did no one tell you? Buckle in, because they're not stopping.

The woman next to us very politely turns round and shushes them. It does no good. They are out for the afternoon, they are going to make a loud and long fuss over a Capri Sun and they are going to keep talking about their hunger levels for the entire performance.

It's not long before another woman brings her mobile phone out and starts taking photographs of the stage.

A trip to the cinema long ago became an interesting gamble to see, not if someone would talk all the way through the film, but how many people would talk all the way through the film.

There should be a points system devised to at least make a fun game out of what is a rotten situation. Only one point for talking as it's hardly worth mentioning now. Two points for checking the time on their brightly lit mobile phone. Three points for checking Facebook or searching a website.

Four points for taking a phone call during the movie. And five points for taking a selfie with the flash on.

I earned 10 points at a screening of It's a Wonderful Life a few days before Christmas. I believe people have, generally, become more inconsiderate as going out to the cinema has become cheaper. Cinema loyalty cards are a brilliant idea but, when you're not physically handing over cash for a ticket, it feels less important an experience. Folk behave as though they're in their living rooms.

"Do you want some of this flask of tea?" called one of a family of six along the row behind us at It's A Wonderful Life. There was lots of chat in reply about said flask. The two youngest members of the family talked incessantly about nothing. Two older women with them were similarly having a right old chinwag. My friend asked the two younger ones to please be quiet. They ignored the request and kept going.

"Shut up!" shouted someone from along the row. I cracked towards the end of the film and asked if they could please, please be quiet for just five minutes. "We'll try two and see how we get on," said the older woman, sarcastically, as the young adults sniggered. "So rude," snapped the other older woman, to me. It's meant to be a nicer crowd at the Glasgow Film Theatre but standards have clearly slipped.

The two women spent the last minutes of the film having a bellowing sing-a-long. It was bonkers but bog standard cinema behaviour.

Back to the theatre though, and I was gutted at the ballet being utterly ruined.

Ballet is not an art form that's for everyone. But even with bored children - and I do sympathise - it's a good life lesson to learn to sit politely and be aware of your impact on other people. It's brilliant to get children interested and involved in the theatre but it's one thing to be talking about the performance and another to just chat away like you're in your house.

It's time to take a stand rather than just moaning about it after the fact. Complain, complain, complain to venues as the inconsiderate behaviour is happening.

Venues: Can we have ushers, please? If people can't behave then they need babysat. And take a one strike approach. One complaint and you're out.

Theatre and the cinema are secular churches, places where we gather together socially to think about about society, culture, experiences other than our own. We need to treat them - and each other - far better.