Cold comfort

So Coldplay and Chris Martin are, to pinch a phase from his divorce statement with Gwyneth Paltrow, consciously uncoupling from touring the world, in an effort to save the planet. Trees everywhere shivered with relief. The singer gave the news in Jordan where the band had travelled to give two concerts, no doubt discounting their air miles and those of the massive caravanserai of equipment by seeding a rainforest in Transnistria, or Hemel Hempstead.

Good luck to Martin and the other members of the band no-one knows the names of, but it does not go nearly far enough. Just think of all the energy that could be saved if they simply stopped recording.

No more travelling first class to exotic parts of the world to seek inspiration, or prolonged stays at recording studios across the globe, tons of eco-unfriendly vinyl avoided (sales of vinyl records are at a 30-year high), the forests cut down for the covers, post and packaging saved, not to mention all the energy which would not be incurred by punters going to record shops or burning up the batteries on their iPods.

I’m pretty sure if they simply gave up Coldplay could single-handedly stop the Arctic ice thaw.

This stinks

Not content with jamming customers so tightly together they exchange deodorant, or having them stamping their feet to keep warm as they wait on the platform after another cancellation, ScotRail is still dumping our human excrement on the tracks. I thought it was just their service that was cr*p.

I don’t know how these rail operators get away with it. Isn’t there an EU regulation against it? There certainly is against dumping it at sea as we used to do until it was outlawed in 1998. I remember being on one of the last trips on one of the so-called sludge boats (colloquially replaced with a word that rhymes with night) which took Glasgow’s semi-treated waste and dumped it off Arran. It also carried passengers, usually parties of pensioners, who were there for the trip down the Clyde and a spot of lunch. The meal was timed to be served just as the boat dumped the hundreds of tons of waste overboard, thus avoiding the overpowering stench, and it was, believe me.

The news about the latest ScotRail failure coincided with an item that I saw on TV, that the SS Shieldhall, one of the iconic s***e boats, was saved from the breaker’s yard and bought by a charity in Southampton, Solent Steam Packet. Some 800 volunteers restored the old boat and it now runs pleasure cruises in summer. I wonder if they got rid of the smell?

Posted missing

Nothing has been heard of Jacob Rees-Mogg for more than two weeks, since he told Grenfell Tower residents that if they were as clever as he was, and had a flameproof nanny to help in the evacuation, they’d be alive just like him, although obviously not as rich. Should we worry? Probably not.

Pages of infamy

A copy of dead financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s “little black book” has come into my possession, from around the time Prince Andrew was his best pal. I am sure that the authorities have checked out the multifarious numbers and addresses for Ghislaine Maxwell – former girlfriend of Epstein, and another key player in this sorry saga who has disappeared off the face of the Earth.

The other Maxwells are there too – brothers Ian and Kevin (with Tara

and Pandora) as well as a host of big names, including Naomi Campbell, Dustin Hoffman, Courtney Love, Ralph Fiennes, Mick Jagger and Chris Evans, not forgetting the world of politics with Henry Kissinger and our own Peter Mandelson and Alistar (sic) Campbell. Doubtless most have changed their numbers since Epstein’s demise, but not all (I checked).

There are details of dozens of girls, including a list of 35 first names (all with telephone numbers) – one of whom, Jennifer, may be the woman who alleges Andrew abused her – plus massage parlours and nightclubs, including Tramp, where the prince and the trafficked teenager allegedly danced.

There is, too, Epstein’s friend, business partner and associate Jean-Luc Brunel, whom three former models claimed drugged and raped them. A handwritten note – probably not Epstein’s – describes him as a “scout for young females”.

Outstandifold

In the latest example of nominative determinism (people gravitating to work which fits their name) it seems obvious that Giles Badger would end up working as a producer on David Attenborough’s Seven Worlds, One Planet series.

And when the ad went out saying “keen and smart young lad wanted”,

it was only natural that Keenan

Smart applied for the job at the BBC’s natural history unit and is now a heid bummer at the National Geographic channel.

Probably the late Stanley Unwin did not realise that a band would name themselves after one of his jabberwocky-like utterances.

Unwin, for older readers, was a minor celebrity in the sixties and seventies, self-styling himself Professor, who invented his own language called Unwinese, which was passingly funny in small doses.

He appeared in several Carry On films and on TV spouting gobbledegook, and in an advertisement for the1979 Pirelli calendar, which is where the band Outstandifold And The Wettygrippers derived their name.

I don’t know if they’re any good, but probably not. When Unwin died in 2002, he was buried with his wife Marion, who pre-deceased him, and the inscription on the gravestone reads: “Reunitey in the heavenly-bode – Deep Joy!” Although that’s a bit long to print on the skin of a bass drum.