I’m Sir Richard Branson and I’m no mad hypocrite – despite what Frankie Boyle, climate activists or LGBT people might say

Still, I have to admit Virgin Galactic’s attempts to build a Noah’s Ark for the elite haven’t exactly gone smoothly. And, I must confess, that's the real reason I’m attempting to reduce my carbon footprint – to buy my engineers some more time to construct a Warp Drive. 

Why does Virgin Galactic require a propulsion system 50 times the speed of light? Well, this might come as a shock, but the shapeshifting reptilian Illuminati extraterrestrials who facilitated my otherwise inexplicable power and prosperity crashed their own spaceship – and are now demanding that I provide safe passage back to their own galaxy.

Yes, David Icke was right about everything. Even about the Moon being an observation post for the alien biologists who seeded us here. I'm afraid we’re simply a failed experiment – and our creators now want to go home to Zeta Reticuli and report how their self-aware virus annihilated an entire planet less than 300 years from its first industrial revolution. You didn’t really believe Virgin Galactic was about space tourism, did you?

So, to reduce my carbon footprint and buy some extra research and development time, I’ve taken action and issued some strongly-worded press releases – all sent by zero-carbon email – confirming I’m going to try harder to meet countless previous promises of reducing Virgin’s unholy emission excretion.

And I will try harder. We all must. Greta too. Particularly Greta. For I’ve worked out that every child slave in China would have to strike each Friday for the next 23 billion years to offset the invincible toxic death cloud my birth spasmed into the world. Activists should note, however, that our dying sun will consume the Earth in just five billion years – so, science actually proves strikes are completely pointless in the long run. Just like I told those greedy Virgin Atlantic pilots who recently disputed their salaries.

The Virgin suicides

As Sir Richard Branson fans, you’ll all be familiar with my tweets lamenting our self-destructive species “wreckin’ the hoose” as the primitive Franky would likely articulate it. In fact, a sick mind such as his would likely accuse me of posting photos of the environmental apocalypse I helped inflict upon the Earth for some perverse masochistic sexual gratification. Absolutely ridiculous.

Although Franky’s criticism did initially wound me, one glance at his profile picture provided some balm for my bruised ego – for you should never, ever trust the word of a man with a beard. They’re often hiding something. And Franky was.

For in lambasting me for simply helping the human race travel the world, he failed to mention the seismic toxic impact I’ve had with many failed Virgin sidelines such as Virgin Drinks, Virgin Cosmetics, Virgin Clothing, my classily-named “Virginware” lingerie and, lest anyone forget, Virgin Cars. And he also forgot about all the air, land and sea Virgin product distribution networks that have kept the world in Virgin-branded goodies for 40 years.

Yet, do you think one of Britain’s richest men actually botched these business ventures? All reality-distortion and misdirection, I’m afraid. What you thought were ego-fuelled failures were actually my subconscious sabotaging those countless offshoot firms, deliberately driving them into the ground to help save the planet. I might be a Cancer but identify as a Libra – it’s all about balance.

Rocket man

I’VE previously said each Virgin Galactic passenger will leave a carbon footprint no bigger than they would on a Virgin plane flight. While it’s true solid fuel rockets produce relatively little carbon dioxide, what they do excrete is toxic black soot. Don’t worry however, it only accumulates in the atmosphere. And there’s people in Norway who go months without daylight – proving the sun is not actually necessary for our survival. Remember, science has also given us UV lamps, sunbeds and central heating – and we will always have photo evidence of stars shining behind the encrusted black scab that was once our atmosphere.

That said, I’d certainly be cynical of Geophysical Review’s recent statement suggesting the soot associated with space tourism may have a global warming effect 140,000 times that of the associated carbon dioxide emissions. I mean, no-one can count that high without having to sleep at one point. You’d need to be on some type of illegal stimulant to stay focused enough to count to 140,000 – and we all know the speculation and evidence of drug addicts is always deeply unreliable. Shame on fake news outlets if they're employing such people.

Now, you might be wondering if getting my extraterrestrial masters back to their own star system is my only motivation for persevering with Virgin Galactic through decades of failure and false promises. Well, of course not. There’s another reason. Like Greta, I also I want to save the human race – but without all the silly self-righteous striking that grinds the wheels of commerce to a halt!

The truth is, once humanity learns there are alien races visiting the planet, we will unite in harmony to plot war against them. All humans will bond as one under the threat of invasion – and as I blast off from this dying, flickering orb with my extraterrestrial masters, I’m confident the spaceship’s rearview mirror will show all races, creeds, sexualities and religious sects holding hands under a swollen black eternal twilight.

Arabian Knight

TO prove my and love for all mankind, I recently confirmed that Virgin has always been an ally of the LGBTQ community. Certainly since June anyway, when I celebrated World Pride, making history with the world’s first-ever Virgin Pride flight, and LGBTQ Charter voyage.

I’ve also recently added pronouns to my employees’ email signatures – leaving a space to declare he/him, she/her – even they/them should they/them wish!

On the surface then, it might seem odd that I considered investing millions in a Saudi Arabian luxury tourism project, given the country’s track record of decapitating homosexuals. Not only that, in 2017, Virgin Galactic inked a $1 billion deal with Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund. You’ll recall, however, that I called it all off after the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Bad business all round – and certainly bad for business!

I should have been more suspicious of the Crown Prince when we first met. Like I said, never trust a man with a beard. Be assured, however, that even without Saudi cash, Virgin Galactic will succeed.

For those still not convinced I have your best intentions at heart by exposing the alien presence on Earth to unite you all, then another press release I sent out before cancelling the Saudi deal proved that an alien threat wasn’t even necessary to morally justify taking the Crown Prince’s cash. It stated: “Our evolving relationship with Saudi will create welcome opportunities to start productive conversations about human rights.”

Cynics may scoff but that’s why they’re called cynics. As you can clearly see, all I was trying to do was bring about positive change to Saudi through some kind of mystical corporate osmosis, influencing the country through Virgin’s well-known altruistic benevolence and kind-hearted capitalism. All righteous and valid – I mean, why else do you think I named the firm Virgin? To subliminally convince you we are innocent of all sin, of course!

And finally ...

Before I blast off and leave humanity united under the twin threats of alien invasion and climate change, I must first apologise for also inventing the poisonous personality capitalism embraced by Musk, Bezos et al. As slaves imprisoned on their digital plantation, escape can perhaps only be facilitated by either paying for a Virgin Galactic ticket or getting out of our minds on drugs.

And as you’ll know, I sit on the Global Commission On Drugs Policy and recently called for all governments to implement our conclusion that all drugs are made legal. Cynics may suggest Virgin might then move into such a lucrative market, but I would never use my influence to sway policy for financial gain. Note my last attempt at selling Virgin Coke failed miserably!

And speaking of brand names, stop blaming me for your Virgin broadband issues – I sold the firm years ago and the Virgin name was part of the deal – kept on to retain credibility in the crowded internet marketplace. It’s not my fault that I can sit back and watch millions roll in off the reflected glory of my good name. That’s what happens when you’ve spent your life building up trust. And for continuing to trust me, I thank you all.