Bunnet for Begby

AUTHOR Irvine Welsh says he would be delighted for a third movie featuring his Trainspotting characters to hit the big screen. The Diary has identified a glitch in such hopes. Ewan McGregor and the other stars of the previous movies are getting on in years, so to repeat their roguish hijinks in another film, they would have to get into character by wearing bunnets and comfy jumpers. Meaning fans would be hard-pressed to tell the difference between Begbie and Sick Boy and Scotland’s other legendary reprobates, Still Game’s Jack and Victor.

Guinness genius

THERE have been many inspiring protégés in human history. Mozart composed music at an age when most kids are still tumbling off their Space Hoppers. Reader Andrew Kelly also has a son with gifts that set him apart. Reaching the age when he could imbibe alcohol legally, this young lad was invited to the local boozer by dad, to enjoy his first pint. On entering this hall of manhood, son strode to the bar, slapped down some coins, and barked to the barman: “Pint of Guinness. And pour it slow, pal. I want a proper head on it.” The father of this genius managed to suppress all parental pride. “Somehow I don’t think that was his first time on the sauce,” Andrew sighs.

Cutting comment

THE sword Mel Gibson wielded in Braveheart has been sold at auction for £60,000. Reader Jennifer Hiscott, from Cowcaddens, isn’t impressed. “Gibson got into all sorts of bother in his personal life after waggling that terrifying claymore,” she recalls. “He probably would have been better off using something less violent. Though I suppose Braveheart wouldn’t have been such a blockbuster if William Wallace had galloped into battle brandishing a spatula.”

Wacky walker

GROWING old continued. Craig Rodger was depressed to be informed he needed to use a walking stick. Craig’s wife attempted to cheer him up by showing him the variety of amusing sticks available on the internet, including one with Mr Bean’s head carved into it. “I can’t imagine anything worse than a slapstick walking stick,” grumbles Craig. “I bet it attracts discarded banana skins on the pavement like a magnet.”

Dodgy disc

YESTERDAY’S Herald yarn about a record collector who donated his hoard of Scottish music to the nation has reader Stuart Haggerty pondering whether the nation would also like to purchase the pile of musical discs stored in his attic. “I’ve an original vinyl copy of the Birdie Song,” Stuart informs us. “Only slightly scratched. That would definitely be a worthy addition to the nation’s cultural heritage, or am I a wee bit deluded?”

Toothy humour

WE end with a toothy tickler. A wee Glesga wumman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies.