End of the line

CHILLY goings-on at Edinburgh City Chambers last Sunday night as the European election results were collated. Gutted Labour MEP David Martin seemed decidedly vexed with deputy Scottish leader Lesley Laird. As the party’s gubbing became clear, our mole reports Ms Laird warbled a series of inane platitudes like someone improvising at a stranger’s funeral, until Mr Martin, his 35-year career down the pan, got up and stalked off.

Cold reception

IT was almost as cold the next morning when the official declaration was made. No one from Labour even bothered to show up, making it the only mainstream party to blank the event. The unseasonal chill also got to the SNP’s newly elected MEPs as they repeatedly traipsed down the Royal Mile to give the press pack a picture. As smiles drooped, one photographer cried out helpfully: “Tell your face you won!”

Labouring away

SCOTTISH Labour’s ensuing meltdown provided plenty of fun at Holyrood. Hacks asked ex-leadership candidate Anas Sarwar if he fancied another contest. He grabbed LibDem MSP Alex Cole-Hamilton. “This guy’s more likely to be the next Scottish Labour leader,” Anas said. “He’ll certainly never going to be the next leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats. Willie Rennie’s just stringing him along.” Ouch.

No winning smile

NO ONE looked more chuffed by Scottish Labour’s freak-out than Ruth Davidson. Passing the media pack as it waited outside a fevered meeting of Labour MSPs, the Scottish Tory leader - who presided over her own terribly impressive 5.6 point slump in votes - couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. “This could have been you,” one journalist called out. “To quote Napoleon, I’d rather be lucky than good,” she replied. Just as well really....

Up, up and away

SNP Brexit Secretary Mike Russell also got in a dig about Labour’s campaign manager Neil Findlay quitting. Wishing him well in the Holyrood chamber, he said: “I hope that, whatever he decides to do, he enjoys it more than being a member of the Labour group.” A safe bet.

Gobbledegeeks

PRESS release of the week featured the launch of the lefty Scottish De-Growth Commission. What exactly is de-growth? Jargon fans, hold on. “Integrating bioeconomics and ecological macroeconomics, degrowth is a non-economic concept… the reduction of energy and material throughput needed to face the existing biophysical constraints…an attempt to challenge the omnipresence of market-based relations in society and the growth-based roots of the social imaginary replacing them by the idea of frugal abundance”. Catchy.

Mystery quiz

A FASCINATING FoI release reveals the depth of Scottish Government paranoia, with civil servants even redacting details of their Christmas Quiz. An email said it would be “hosted with no expense spared by the world famous internationally renowned Quizmaster [redacted] ably assisted by [redacted]... The whole budget went on [redacted] unreasonable diva dressing room demands so don’t be expecting a prize!” Get a grip, you [redacted].

The dating game

THE Government’s language-mangling also continues apace. At FMQs, Labour MSP Elaine Smith asked about a missing poverty update Nicola Sturgeon repeatedly said in March would arrive “by June”. Her official spokesman later insisted this meant “by the end of June”. But the FM also promised it “before June”. So, asked one sarcastic hack, when the FM said before June did she actually mean before July? “Yes,” came the unblushing reply.