Future shock: 'Holy water' evidence proves science can be a blessing for religion

Apples have troublesome precedent in Christian theology, so it was perhaps predictable that the devices failed to turn up in time. Too late to cancel the big visit and desperate to avoid the wrath of an actual Earthly representative of God, the decision was taken to simply point the bishop in the direction of some random empty boxes. Cue some mournful hand-waving and muttered monotone utterances. The mice droppings inside those boxes were now holy s**t.

Many may doubt the veracity of this tale, but I have it on good authority this reverent event certainly took place – much to the bemusement of pupils at the school. As adults, however, perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to mock or judge. Most of us are familiar with otherwise intelligent folk who truly believe men dressed like Liberace with a KFC family bucket on their heads can bestow inanimate objects with good vibes.

With great reverence still being attached to such surrealism in 2018, it does pose the question – do believers in a higher power actually have any foundations in reality for their belief in blessings? Well, wherever there is funding available, you’ll certainly always find scientists with evidence to please their benefactors. Indeed, some researchers have spent decades studying whether the spoken word, such as blessings and grace, can actually affect matter itself, like iPads and sweetcorn.

Quantum physicists would claim no such experimentation is actually necessary. They’d argue that words themselves are actually surplus to requirements – our acknowledgement of reality alone is apparently enough to warp its fundamental building blocks. One such example of sub-atomic weirdness is when electrons literally change their form the instant they’re observed ¬ from a “wave of potentials” to something tangible and real. Perhaps no blessings were necessary at that Ayrshire school then, just a stern stare at those iPads may have transformed their entire molecular structure. No doubt voiding the Apple warranty.

An observer’s very real power to transform fundamental particles is one thing, but can these changes actually be controlled to direct either a positive or negative influence on matter? Allegedly so. And if the work of the late Dr Masaru Emoto is to be taken seriously, it’s time to revive the somewhat antiquated notion of saying grace. Seems it really can make make all the difference to your Goodfella’s pizza and microchips.

The Japanese researcher was famed for making rice taste like James Corden’s armpit by simply shouting various expletives at it. The same way people do at James Corden when he’s on the telly. Emoto also appeared in cult documentary What The Bleep Do We Know? subjecting drops of water to varying levels to verbal abuse then freezing it for microscopic analysis.

If we are to believe the film’s final edit, compliments and flattery created beautiful snowflake-like crystalline structures in the ice, while the water subjected to language only previously heard in Sauchiehall Street taxi ranks at 3am created chaotic and unsymmetrical structures.

Emoto eventually got a bit too excited by his discoveries, culminating in an admirably bonkers experiment where he wrote the words “Adolf Hitler” on a glass of water and then put it under the microscope. It was discovered its molecular structure had formed into billions of tiny swastikas. Only kidding.

The ice did, however, once again, display fractured and broken structures – proving even water hates Nazis. And, in turn, suggesting the notion of “holy water” powered up by a priest’s blessing may not be so strange after all.

As intriguing as this experimentation seems on the surface, we must always heed the words of the late Carl Sagan – that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

Unconvinced of the proof on offer is Stanford University professor emeritus William Tiller, who is more than a bit cynical about the human voice’s ability to affect matter. He points out how simple it is to manipulate water’s molecular structure, either by adding contaminants or messing with its cooling rate. Tiller also states that Emoto’s most basic attempts at scientific controls were absent.

Perhaps the continued popularity of blessings and grace are rooted not with the desire for a deity’s acknowledgement of our existence, but with simple psychology.

The Premack Principle of human behaviour proposes that when we pair an undesirable activity (giving grace) with a more pleasant experience (eating), we start to derive more enjoyment out of the less desirable activity and are more likely to perform it again in the search for the accompanying serotonin hit.

However, if the late Dr Emoto’s assumptions are true and harsh words truly do wield a devastating power on molecules, remember water itself makes up 60 per cent of the human body.

Perhaps it’s not the sausage rolls and ciggies wiping us out after all, but the cynicism, sarcasm and colourful language Scottish bodies incessantly absorb. Get the Cliff Richard records on as you fill in your emigration forms.

TREAT PLANTS LIKE ROYALTY

FORGET quantum physics, His Royal Highness Prince Charles has already long proven that words can make reality reverberate and warp into strange new shapes.

No, not the dry-boak inducing Camillagate tape, where he expressed fears of being reincarnated as his mistress’ intimate sanitary product. Although that particular confession did flabber every gast in existence, it was rather the future King’s casual admission that he enjoyed talking to plants that had a truly seismic effect upon the collective human subconscious. Now, whenever we see Charles, it can be difficult to shake the image of him chatting to his favourite bush.

“Very important to talk to them,” Charles had enthused to global astonishment. “They respond.” On the surface, an open goal for mockery – but such beliefs do certainly have historical and even scientific precedent.

The theory that plants can benefit from kind words and pleasant music – or wither from verbal abuse and U2 – dates back to the 17th century, when German professor Gustav Fechner wrote his book Nanna (Soul-life of Plants).

“There is evidence that plants respond to sound,” admits Rich Marini, who leads the horticulture department at Pennsylvania State University. “Wind or vibration will induce changes in plant growth. Since sound is vibration, my guess is that it is causing a response.”

Supporting Marini’s suspicions is a 2007 paper from South Korea’s National Institute of Agricultural Biotechnology, that proposed two genes involved in a plant’s response to light – rbcS and Ald – are actually switched on when music is played at volume of 70 decibels, which is the same level of human conversation. Unless you’re a member of the Northern Irish Assembly.

Plants evolving to respond to vibration is thought to aid survival in windy environments. Being exposed to wind creates a hormone called ethylene, which stunts their growth and allows for thicker, sturdier stems. It’s also the active compound in Viagra. Only kidding.

One conflicting theory, however, suggests Prince Charles’ plants are simply responding to the absorbsion of the carbon dioxide produced by his lungs. Yet, scientists believe he’d have to be talking to his plants for several hours a day to influence their growth. As opposed to the few seconds it took Camilla to influence Charles’ growth on the phone that fateful night.

EXPLODING ANTS AND KILLER KANGAROOS

SO, you’ve cut out discount tokens from a downmarket tabloid and arrived at Blair Drummond Safari Park with your ungrateful spawn. Prowling lions are sniffing around your decrepit car, which is held together by hope and fast-food odours. Regrettably, you forgot to remove the Del Boy-style zebra pattern seat covers.

Suddenly, one with Bee Gee hair headbutts the windscreen – it cracks. The engine dies. The doors fall off. The exhaust prolapses. The wheels explode, followed by your bowels. That Little Tree air freshener truly has a job on its hands. So how do you get out of this predicament? If you were a kangaroo, it seems you’d toss your youngest child into the snarling beast’s mouth as you make your escape.

Yes, these cuddly marsupials were recently observed ejecting babies from their pouches directly into the path of predators before casually hopping off. Now you know why the Australian government is pretty lax about them being shot as vermin. Even humanity’s worst serial killers rarely possessed a kangaroo’s callousness.

Like so many 70s TV heroes, it seems Skippy has turned out to be a wrong ‘un. But don’t lose faith in nature – a new species has now been discovered that seems custom-made by evolution to serve as inspiration to us all. It comes in the form of a tiny ant that unhesitatingly sacrifices itself to protect its children from danger. The exact opposite of a kangaroo, then.

Colobopsis cylindrica is an Asian ant sub-species which can rupture their abdominal walls to melt opponents with a sticky, deadly, toxic goop – a bit like the movie Aliens. This selfless act, of course, kills the ant – hence why the process has been poetically labelled “autothysis” deriving from the Greek “self” and “sacrifice”.

Famed biologist Richard Dawkins, long before his Indian summer trolling the pious on Twitter, once wrote a well-kent book called The Selfish Gene where he describes genetics evolving solely to aid the survival of the species. One observable manifestation of this process would be a bird’s warning call when it spots a predator. This may alert the flock, but also draws attention to itself and makes it the first target. These ants operate in a similar manner by choosing to fall on their swords, only they don’t give predators the satisfaction of a dinner. A soup starter, perhaps.

Research on how this fascinating process occurs has stalled, however – as, genuinely, the little fellas keep exploding while being examined by biologists. Perhaps a prime example of quantum physics in action, with molecules reacting beyond the laws of classic Newtonian physics when observed by us.

It may be the case that human eyeballs have evolved as a death beam to unzip all matter and destroy the universe. If iPads can benefit from religious blessings, then anything is truly possible in this universe.