I BLAME the warm-up act. As is traditional, Philip Hammond delivered his budget immediately after Prime Minister’s Questions.
Theresa May is no Coco the Clown, but she did have quite a good line on the recent announcement of the first female Black Rod in parliament’s history.
When Jeremy Corbyn took the bait and joined her in welcoming the move, the Prime Minister pounced on him: “I hope it will not be 650 years until the Labour party has a female leader.”
Spreadsheet Phil looked nervous. This was comedy genius, relatively speaking. How was he going to top that zinger? He, Chancellor Chuckles, would have to pull out all the stops.
Mrs May was also asked about animal welfare post-Brexit.
“We respect the fact that animals are sentient beings and should be treated accordingly,” she said. Most of her MPs sat up in their baskets, cocking their heads adorably.
She promised to look out for “all animals capable of experiencing pain or suffering”. Dozens of tails thumped the green benches in relief. But the Chancellor hadn’t got the message.
He tried to shake off his dowdy image - his ingenuous cloak for a dowdy personality - by morphing into Funtime Phil. It was a painful transition.
First there was the ceremonial exchange of Strepsils.
“I did take the precaution of asking the Prime Minister to bring a packet of cough sweets, just in case,” he said, referring to Mrs May’s lozenge-based laughfest at the Tory conference.
On cue - sorry, completely spontaneously - the PM reached forward and placed a packet of cough drops on the despatch box, playing Ernie Wise to, er, his Ernie Wise.
Mr Hammond chortled on. He wanted the UK to be “fit for the future”. Through laughter!
But first to the economic forecasts of the Office for Budget Responsibility. “This is the bit with the long, economicky words,” he said, an obscure reference to Environment Secretary Michael Gove coveting his job.
“I am acutely aware that 1.4m people out of work is 1.4m too many.”
Labour MPs roared, given these were the 1.4m Forgetful Phil said didn’t exist on Sunday.
It got sweatier. Growth and productivity had been revised down, Mr Hammond admitted, and not just a little, but into the Stygian gloom. He snatched at another gag.
Of course, Labour would borrow more and waste £7bn a year on interest.
“If they carry on like that, there will be plenty of others joining Kezia Dugdale in saying, ‘I’m Labour, get me out of here.’”
You could hear the silence in Australia.
Phil of the Future tried for a laugh on driverless cars.
“I know that Jeremy Clarkson does not like driverless vehicles, but there are many other good reasons to pursue the technology,” he said. “Sorry Jeremy, but this is definitely not the first time that you have been snubbed by Hammond and May!”
The backbench menagerie started to yowl and look to Mrs May to relieve the agony.
But still they kept coming. Mr Hammond promised to expand maths teaching.
“More maths for everyone - Mr Deputy Speaker, don’t let anyone say I don’t know how to show the nation a good time.” They didn’t need to say it.
As the tumbleweed rose to his ears, he gave one last heave with the so-called staircase tax, a charge levied on businesses in communal blocks.
“There are three simple steps to solve the staircase tax,” he beamed. When MPs groaned audibly, he got rather shirty. “What do they expect? It’s the tax section,” he harrumphed. Mate, it was all taxing.
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