FASCINATING news from the Scottish Labour leadership. We hear put-upon millionaire Anas Sarwar is a fiend at fantasy football game Championship Manager. So addicted is the would-be FM, his staff have trouble tearing him away from his phone. So far he’s won 13 Premier League titles and seven UEFA Champions League cups in a row as boss of, er, Stoke City. However he won’t be rushing to replace Gordon Strachan any time soon - managing the national squad is the only job in Scotland worse than managing Labour.
PUT-DOWN of the SNP conference came from Mhairi Black, who made the career-ending error of overshadowing the First Minister with a full-throated cry for Indyref2. She recalled historian David Torrance, also of this parish, once called the BBC Scottish Six the Holy Grail of the independence movement. “And there we were thinking it was a better Scotland - but thanks to David we now know it’s an extra half-hour with Jackie Bird.”
NICOLA Sturgeon was on fine form at the conference media reception. “I was tempted to come along and re-enact the Prime Minister’s conference speech in full, dribbling and all,” she said, before thinking twice. “I’ve got it on good authority she was deeply unhappy that the Chancellor offered a throat sweet while she was coughing. She went absolutely menthol.”
THERE was also a namecheck for former Scottish Labour spin doctor Alan Roden, now toiling for Anas Sarwar’s leadership campaign, and having to fix the mess over his family business. “It used to be that all Alan could mess up was the odd front page of the Daily Mail and his speech at this reception,” said the FM. “But he’s only been working for Anas Sarwar for one month and he’s already lost the guy five million quid.”
RED Roden wasn’t the only has-been mentioned. “I’ve taken up running,” said the FM. “It’s quite hard to fit into my hectic busy schedule, so I’m going to insist that all interviews have to be done while I’m jogging along. If that doesn’t do anything else it will guarantee one thing. I will never, ever be invited to be interviewed on the new Alex Salmond LBC show.”
RESPONDING for the Scottish Parliamentary Journalists’ Association, the Daily Record’s Political Editor David Clegg didn’t waste any time returning fire. “I’m sorry everyone is standing,” said. “I’m afraid we lost a significant number of seats.” Scowling next to him, the FM grabbed a piece of paper then offered him a fake P45.
THE FM’s conference speech also produced snorts of laughter by referring to the party’s local election win in Glasgow. “The cronies and time-servers are out,” she said. “Fresh ideas, Susan Aitken and the SNP are in.” Is the same Susan Aitken who as leader installed her pal and her election agent as taxpayer-funded advisers in her office? One and the same.
SIBLING strangeness with North Lanarkshire councillor Fergus MacGregor, brother of surreally shy Coatbridge MSP Fulton “No Show” MacGregor. Fulton’s office gopher Cllr Allan Stubbs was due to attend conference, but instead went to see Scotland get gubbed in Slovenia. So Fergus went along using Mr Stubb’s ID tag, and Fulton dopily posted snaps online exposing the deception. Fergus has inevitably been dubbed “No Show’s Bro Show”.
THE conference karaoke produced some ripe moments, including an unforgettable rendition of Common People by one of the Holyrood press pack. Brothers Alex and David Aitchison on the SNP staff also belted out the Proclaimers’ Letter from America. “They’re about half the height, half as specky and 500 miles less talented,” sniffed one Nat critic.
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