THE Maybot was in full automation mode.
"Strong and stable leadership, strong and stable leadership". At some point during this foregone conclusion of a general election, it would not surprise me if the Tory head Dalek breaks out with the words "Exterminate! Exterminate!"; in Jeremy Corbyn's direction, of course.
The place was Harrow and the venue a rather bland Asian community centre, where I was told people got married. As the election bride entered the room, the gaggle of faithful, well-scrubbed and unblinking Tory candidates rose as one to applaud their strong and stable leader, behind them large blue posters declaring them to be "Theresa May's Team"; the word Conservatives was tucked away at the bottom.
The head Dalek urged her robotic brethren to get out onto the streets and not to take a single vote for granted. Theresa Villiers, the former Northern Ireland Secretary, sacked in the Maybot takeover, sported a vacuous grin throughout the whole mechanical exercise, confirming perhaps that the election chip had been successfully inserted.
Spotted among the rows of Daleks was none other than the big T’s arch-enemy. Not the doctor, not even Jezza but one Michael Gove. Could the Scottish nemesis of would-be head boy Boris Johnson be manoeuvring for a job in the Maygov.20? Have they kissed and made up? Or just made up?
Much of the Maybot’s pitch was effectively it’s either me or him; I’m great, he’s rubbish. Imagine, she told her computerised audience, what the likes of the “collective might” of Juncker, Barnier, Merkel, Macron et al would make of Britain’s negotiating team if the hairy Leftie was leading it.
When she noted that Emmanuel Macron had won a strong mandate and that she needed a similar big boost, her robotic chums nodded in unison and applauded vigorously.
The PM ended her oration in the usual way, talking about, you guessed it, strong and stable leadership. “Together we can strive for Britain, together we can fight for Britain, together we will deliver for Britain.”
As the head Dalek grinned at her applauding audience, one had to ask during this – at present – cakewalk of an election for the PM: where oh where was Dr Who when you needed him?
Instead, all we have is Mr Corbyn’s self-confessed alter ego, the laidback Monsieur Zen, and while the Time Lord has his sonic screwdriver to save the universe, the Labour leader appears only to have Karl Marx’s Das Kapital to fall back on.
The Maybot mask slipped only once when HM Herald, in a question, referred to her claim that “certain shady people in Brussels,” wanted to influence the election.
She noted how she did not recognise the “descriptor you slipped in there,” questioning whether or not this was a remark from myself or from Nicola Sturgeon. I confess; it was me.
After more robotic answers to journalists’ questions, the Maybot announced the show was over, jerked sidewards and strode to the exit, no doubt with an image of the chief comrade in her computer-bank, mumbling to herself: "Exterminate! Exterminate!"
Tuesday night the PM is due to take a big election gamble by appearing on the BBC’s The One Show with none other than husband Philip. Will the Maybot momentarily disappear? Will Britain at long last get the chance to see the PM as a three-dimensional human being actually answering questions? Don’t hold your breath; there’s an election to be won.
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