AT the end of the show Jackie in row G proclaims: ''This is the best

thing that has ever happened in my life.''

Jackie is one of 10,000 teenage girls who packed the SECC on Saturday

night for the first of the New Kids' two Glasgow shows. Apart from the

faceless musicians, hidden at the back of the stage, I was probably one

of only a dozen males over the age of 20 in the whole building.

The New Kids On The Block phenomenon has nothing to do with their

music, which is a proficient but utterly tedious mixture of seventies

funk and eighties hip hop references, none of which is played by the

Kids themselves.

Instead, six musicians, not to mention the two ''real'' singers, do

their best to help the Kids out, but can do little to cover up the

inherent lack of talent of the performers at the front of the stage.

On the vocal front things are not too hot either. Each of the Kids

takes centre stage for a song, but fortunately the screaming from the

audience prevents anyone hearing too much of the vocal atrocities that

are taking place. The worst offender is the New Kid whose voice hasn't

broken yet. Down on his knees performing I'm In Love With You Forever,

the histrionics are unintentionally priceless.

The show is mainly about the choreography, pyrotechnics, and clothes,

and when the pelvic thrusting starts you don't need me to describe the

reaction. Banners in the hall range from the predictable (''Alison Loves

Jordan'') to the vaguely obscene (''Donnie, I Want It Juicy And Wet'').

The show is over by 9.40pm but the world's least talented and most

marketable band have done enough to make Jackie and 10,000 others very

happy indeed -- at least until they grow up, or the next teen sensation

comes along.