The future's orange

COMEDY treasure Arnold Brown, pictured, was back home in Glasgow over the weekend, entertaining patrons of The Stand with his thoughts on Orange walks - all too often viewed as terminally outmoded affairs, according to Arnold. In contrast, Arnold went on, he's increasingly come to regard an Orange walk as a thoroughly modern phenomenon. It's the event's heavily insistent musical rhythms; the large number of folk draped in gold neck-chains; some walkers' strangely exaggerated swaggering gait; an underlying threat of imminent violence. ''See an Orange walk,'' Arnold laconically reckons, ''and you can't help thinking 'So Solid Crew!'''

Sample the delights

A US firm called Techlab, based in Blacksburg, Virginia, makes no bones about its domination of the highly specialised field that is dysentery stool sample analysis. Indeed, for $15, you can buy one

of Techlab's unashamedly cheery promotional T-shirts featuring

two cartoon flies hovering above some faeces, with one fly politely asking the other: ''Pardon me, is this stool taken?''

l Reader Alan Taylor idly

inquires whether we should view George Bush's flight from Washington last week, ahead of hurricane Isabel, as the ultimate instance of draught dodging?

Legs and co

ALEX Ross, of Tain, an erstwhile medical orderly in the Seaforth Highlanders, died recently aged 84. Alex's obituary revealed that during the Second World War, he was imprisoned in Colditz, serving as legless air ace Douglas Bader's batman. The diminutive Alex had to carry Bader up and down steep stairs every day. After a year, Alex's non-combatant status earned him

repatriation. Bader decreed otherwise, roaring: ''You came here as my skivvy and that's what you'll stay.'' Two more

years passed. After Alex's eventual liberation,

he was phoned by Bader,

imperiously demanding his

spare legs. Alex stated he'd been forbidden to bring them from Germany. ''At this point, Bader swore at Ross and put the phone down,'' writes the obituarist, dryly adding: ''It was the last occasion on which the two men spoke to each other.''

l Italian cruise line Costa Crociere is offering passengers the chance to make mobile phone calls while at sea. Considering they'll be charged (pounds) 2.70 a minute, it's fitting that the first ship to offer the service will be the Costa Fortuna.

Cold comfort

MORE Glasgow Apollo memories: an elderly rocker recalls being ejected from a 1974 gig by the

late Irish blues guitarist Rory Gallagher. Making a timely

post-pub entry to the Apollo, one member of our man's party - let's call him Davey - picked up a pile of leaflets advertising the Wombles. When Rory emerged

on stage, Davey stood up in

Apollo's balcony, exclaiming ''Remember you're a Womble!''

and raining leaflets down into

the stalls. Inexplicably, the bouncers didn't see the funny

side, promptly huckling everyone. Outside in the cold, Rory's fans failed to appreciate any irony when their hero played the intro

to his habitual opening number,

Messin' with the Kid.

Star-studded affair

ENTERTAINMENT might be

in evidence at a forthcoming

industrial dispute at the East Kilbride factory of sheet metal fabricators CGL. Amicus

members on the picket line will include Jimmy Shand, Ronnie Wood, and Tommy Lee. Male strikers hope: a) Pamela

Anderson will turn up in support, and b) the company's management will quickly be entranced by a wages plea from another Amicus picket, one Paul McKenna.

Tunnel vision

A Rangers diehard insists he was recently driving through the Clyde tunnel, becoming enraged when someone piloting a mini-bus cut him up. He caught the mini-bus at traffic lights, leaping angrily from his car, began shouting: ''That was a f***in' disgrace . . .'' In mid-sentence it dawned on him who was driving the mini-bus: Rangers legendary iron man John ''Bomber'' Brown, pictured, now Ibrox youth coach. The fan instantly amended his diatribe, concluding: ''. . . you never got

a cap for Scotland!'' Bomber

coolly replied: ''I know,'' before going on to apologise for his road manners while transporting Rangers under-17s.

In another world

RETURNING belatedly to the topic of country songs with curious titles, Ian Morrison says that, along with lots of other things, he'll always value the recently-departed Warren Zevon for having penned a ditty entitled If You Won't Leave Me, I'll Find Somebody Who Will.