The future's orange
COMEDY treasure Arnold Brown, pictured, was back home in Glasgow over the weekend, entertaining patrons of The Stand with his thoughts on Orange walks - all too often viewed as terminally outmoded affairs, according to Arnold. In contrast, Arnold went on, he's increasingly come to regard an Orange walk as a thoroughly modern phenomenon. It's the event's heavily insistent musical rhythms; the large number of folk draped in gold neck-chains; some walkers' strangely exaggerated swaggering gait; an underlying threat of imminent violence. ''See an Orange walk,'' Arnold laconically reckons, ''and you can't help thinking 'So Solid Crew!'''
Sample the delights
A US firm called Techlab, based in Blacksburg, Virginia, makes no bones about its domination of the highly specialised field that is dysentery stool sample analysis. Indeed, for $15, you can buy one
of Techlab's unashamedly cheery promotional T-shirts featuring
two cartoon flies hovering above some faeces, with one fly politely asking the other: ''Pardon me, is this stool taken?''
l Reader Alan Taylor idly
inquires whether we should view George Bush's flight from Washington last week, ahead of hurricane Isabel, as the ultimate instance of draught dodging?
Legs and co
ALEX Ross, of Tain, an erstwhile medical orderly in the Seaforth Highlanders, died recently aged 84. Alex's obituary revealed that during the Second World War, he was imprisoned in Colditz, serving as legless air ace Douglas Bader's batman. The diminutive Alex had to carry Bader up and down steep stairs every day. After a year, Alex's non-combatant status earned him
repatriation. Bader decreed otherwise, roaring: ''You came here as my skivvy and that's what you'll stay.'' Two more
years passed. After Alex's eventual liberation,
he was phoned by Bader,
imperiously demanding his
spare legs. Alex stated he'd been forbidden to bring them from Germany. ''At this point, Bader swore at Ross and put the phone down,'' writes the obituarist, dryly adding: ''It was the last occasion on which the two men spoke to each other.''
l Italian cruise line Costa Crociere is offering passengers the chance to make mobile phone calls while at sea. Considering they'll be charged (pounds) 2.70 a minute, it's fitting that the first ship to offer the service will be the Costa Fortuna.
Cold comfort
MORE Glasgow Apollo memories: an elderly rocker recalls being ejected from a 1974 gig by the
late Irish blues guitarist Rory Gallagher. Making a timely
post-pub entry to the Apollo, one member of our man's party - let's call him Davey - picked up a pile of leaflets advertising the Wombles. When Rory emerged
on stage, Davey stood up in
Apollo's balcony, exclaiming ''Remember you're a Womble!''
and raining leaflets down into
the stalls. Inexplicably, the bouncers didn't see the funny
side, promptly huckling everyone. Outside in the cold, Rory's fans failed to appreciate any irony when their hero played the intro
to his habitual opening number,
Messin' with the Kid.
Star-studded affair
ENTERTAINMENT might be
in evidence at a forthcoming
industrial dispute at the East Kilbride factory of sheet metal fabricators CGL. Amicus
members on the picket line will include Jimmy Shand, Ronnie Wood, and Tommy Lee. Male strikers hope: a) Pamela
Anderson will turn up in support, and b) the company's management will quickly be entranced by a wages plea from another Amicus picket, one Paul McKenna.
Tunnel vision
A Rangers diehard insists he was recently driving through the Clyde tunnel, becoming enraged when someone piloting a mini-bus cut him up. He caught the mini-bus at traffic lights, leaping angrily from his car, began shouting: ''That was a f***in' disgrace . . .'' In mid-sentence it dawned on him who was driving the mini-bus: Rangers legendary iron man John ''Bomber'' Brown, pictured, now Ibrox youth coach. The fan instantly amended his diatribe, concluding: ''. . . you never got
a cap for Scotland!'' Bomber
coolly replied: ''I know,'' before going on to apologise for his road manners while transporting Rangers under-17s.
In another world
RETURNING belatedly to the topic of country songs with curious titles, Ian Morrison says that, along with lots of other things, he'll always value the recently-departed Warren Zevon for having penned a ditty entitled If You Won't Leave Me, I'll Find Somebody Who Will.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article